11am-11:59am 24 Sum Up, B4B Style

11:00:00 to 11:11:02

"Our goal is the defeat of our enemies..." says President Chappelle to the nation. "Not so fast..." scream Nancy Pelosi, Chuck Hagel, and Barbara Boxer. Then, Gloria Allred started shrieking at Weasel Cage about detention camps or something. I kind of tune out when bleeding heart liberals start preaching civil liberties. Then Weasel Cage started babbling on about loaded muskrats or something. Later, he plotted to get Gloria Allred out of the way.

Anyway, back at CTU, the Mole .. I mean, the Token Arab Chick complains about how due to new security protocols, all the Middle Eastern types now have to mix capitals and special characters into their passwords, and it's taking her a lot longer to get stuff done. So, she whines to Chiggy about it. He tells her to buck up and slaps her on the heiney for support.

Back at Casa Bauer, Jack is still torturing Romano Bauer. Confused ER fans call out, "Yes! Yes! Make it slow, Jack. Make it long and sl-o-o-o-o-o-o-w!" Then, all too soon, Jack takes off the plastic bag, and Romano flashes back to his toilet training. "I made a mess, and dad has to clean it up," he sobs. Long story short, Romano claims the terrorists stole the nukes from him and Jack's Dad with help from Evil White British Guy (EWBG) Then, Jack and Romano leave and, in the biggest surprise of the season, Jack phones Chloe for help!!!!

11:15:25 to 11:26:48

On the road, Romano whines that Jack is selling out the family, when all they did was sell suitcase nukes to terrorists. EWBG is also in a car with his bimbo while he works his way through the Los Alamos Phonelist. "Aaron Abramson? Hi, you don't know me, but can you program a nuke like the one that went off over Valencia. No? Sorry to bother you .... Hello, is this Mike Ackerman? Hi, you don''t know me..." Imhotep is losing patience with him.

Kemper is perturbed that Token Arab Chick is taking too long with her analysis. He finds out from Chiggy about the extra-strength protocols put in place by Weasel Cage. Kemper protests. "But Token's lived in this country since she was two. She's a Republican." So, now we know she's evil.

At Camp Gitmo, the detainees are still at recess. Gee Wally finds out one of the detainees smuggled in a cell phone. Gee Wally asks how, when told, he no longer wants to touch it, but the FBI insists that he get it.

Meanwhile, Caged Weasel confronts Gloria Allred with a list of people who will testify that Chiggy had Imhotep in his custody and let him get away, and then Gloria Allred covered it up. Allred tells him, "I've got dirt on you too. I know about your obsesion with Janet' Reno's waddle." Caged Weasel gives her a choice, stay on, and he'll leak to the New York Times, resign, and all records of the event will be smuggled away in Sandy Berger's underpants, never to be seen again.


11:31:13 to 11:36:24

Al Bundy rags on Token Republican Chick for being slow, Kemper covers for her, and then Al Bundy meaningfully says, (da-dit da-dit da-dit message coming through). "We're both on the same side." Then Kemper logs her in under his password, which is illegal and will probably come back to haunt him if previous seasons are any guide.

Gloria Allred busts into President Chapelle's office, tenders her resignation and gives him a nice little pep talk. President Chapelle offers to send her to CTU in LA, and he agrees to arrange transport by "Air Sununu" (How obscure is that.)


11:40:52 to 11:47:05

Gee Wally challenges the cell phone detainee to a Tango contest and discreetly grabs the phone during a dip. The FBI guys have him call Chloe with it, and she says, "who am I the gawdam Time-Life operator?" Cynthia McKinney Chapelle wants Gee Wally to pull out. "I bet he's heard that before," says the FBI agent, wiggling his eyebrows. Examining the phone records, Chloe finds out the detainees haven't been in contact with terrorists, they got their information from an entry on DailyKos titled "Valencia? Screw 'Em." In the biggest surprise of the season, the detained Muslims turn out not to be terrorists! So, the FBI agrees to pull Gee Wally out. Naturally, this is when the other detainees find out Gee Wally took the phone, and they chuckle because it was all a misunderstanding and sit down to some pancakes.

Just kidding, they actually beat him like Jackson Brown on a first date.

11:51:31 to 11:59:59

Jack busts into his dad's secure offices using just a credit card and the unstoppable power of his man-boobs. Jack opens up EWBG's conveniently un-password protected computer and finds out that EWBG began deleting files ten minutes after the bomb went off. Then, in the biggest surprise of the season, Jack doesn't call Chloe so she can instantly download the hard drive, reconstruct the data, and find the one clue that will advance the plot. Instead, Jack goes into a back room and gets into a fight with the only guy in LA he can't take down in a single punch.

As the baddie is about to ventilate Jack's forehead, Zephram Cochrane Bauer shows up. "Hi Jack, how was China?" Zephram Cochrane and Romano beg Jack to leave CTU out of it, so they don't have to go to prison or shell out millions for a presidential pardon. When Zephram Cochrane agrees to do it Jack's way, Romano double crosses them, and sics his goons. This comes as absolutely no surprise. The goons lead Jack and Sephrame Cochrane out to a waiting van to drive them out for execution. Someone's due for a neck-bitin'.

Tick-tock.

US Capitol Spraypainted by so-called peace demonstrators

OK, Congress is far from perfect, but here's a bunch of BS. US Capitol Police in Washington were ordered to stand down and NOT STOP a bunch of anarchist losers from spray painting their crap all over the capitol. Granted, there's freedom of speech, but there's also vandalism and destruction of property. They crossed past the First Amendment into deliberate and destructive BS.

And yes, some of you jackasses will defend their right, because you hate the war beyond all else. I'm sure the Iraqis hated that awful war that freed the Kurds from Saddam and stopped him from killing millions more. Yeah, what a bad country we are.

By the way, incitement of riot was once a law the cops enforced. What's the deal Bacon Boys? Are you too worried about other peoples lawyers? You afraid to do your job? Or is it the gutless Captain and Chief of Police who prefer not to make waves, versus stop the defacing of a historic landmark and integral part of the government.

Bet if the White House got that treatment you'd be happy. Of course, if it was a Democrat at 1600 and they were insulted with graffiti you'd be up in arms. Typical bi-polar disorder you leftards exhibit.

V for Vendetta? Please. V was charismatic, you guys are stupid. Britain was in the future and part of a graphic novel, a work of fiction, this is the real world. And by the way, if you guys try and blow up stuff, you'll face a backlash, as will all of your innocent buddies. Wanna blow up stuff? Please, do, blow yourselves up and make sure you haven't polluted the gene pool.

That is all.

Jim Webb's Response Analyzed

Jim Webb: The sky is falling! We're gonna die and it's his fault!

MSM Journalist: Um, not really. And let's look at his fudging the figures and offering no frickin alternative.

http://newsbusters.org/node/10351

Nice stumble, Freshman Senator. Twerp.

By the way, saw the State of the Union.

Noticed the following:

Nancy Pelosi's eyes blinked and twitched between 25-30 times a minute.

John McCain's eyes were shut most of the time.

Ted Kennedy was doing a crossword or soduku puzzle.

Hillary was primping her hair before camera time.

And the Democratic response, no real specific plan or alternatives to help the administration. Just 'um, duh, we're gonna make sure he's out in two years! Duh!' Well, since Truman was in office there was that term limit to the Presidency, no more than 2 consecutive terms. Damned pesky Constitution and 22nd Amendment. Figured Jim Webb would have done his homework. Mwehehehe, yeah right.

Enjoy kids, 2 more years til President Anyone But Hillary gets into office.

Well, let's be fair, President Guiliani will give a good State of The Union after he's inaugurated. Rudy! Rudy! Rudy!

WHAT NEW DIRECTION?

The Democrats talk about leading America into a newer and better direction. What's their plan? What is so bad about the following?

OK, Unemployment is at its lowest level in 25 years.

Home ownership is at a record high.

Home values doubled last year.

401ks are on the rebound.

The Down Jones and other markets are at an all time high.

Jobless claims have been steadily decreasing.

We have had NO terrorist attacks on US soil since 9/11.

Fuel prices have dropped.

Taxes are the lowest in over 20 years.

What's wrong with the direction we are in? And what on earth do those socialist chimps have planned?

Do they wanna turn back the clock to the days of the Carter malaise? The Clinton do-nothing years? What?

They will want record tax hikes. What for?
To pay for their unemployed and stupid voters to keep living off the fat of the land, rather than work.
To line their own pockets.
To set the economy into freefall in a reckless scheme to take power in nothing short of a legalized coup.
To screw the Americans since they've been so screwed during the past 6 years of elections.
To seek vengeance and prove their power. Nothing more.

And if that happens, expect gas prices to go up.
Expect interest rates to skyrocket.
Expect more bankrupcy filings and delinquencies.
Expect more homes to be mortgaged out or rented.
Forget ownership, due to new taxes from the enlightened Democrats.

Dare we ask? Dare we NOT ASK?


The only thing they can bitch about is Iraq.

Iraq, such a failure.

So bad that they've had 2 years with successful presidential and regional elections.

So bad that utilities and amenities have been expanded all over the area.

So bad that, aside from The sunni Triangle/Bagdhad area, that stability is the prodominant order of the day.

So rotten that Kurdistan is the most stable area, and will be recognized by the US soon.

And so bad that Syria and Iran may have to break down and negotiate rather than risk war.

Yeah, we've failed in so much there. NOT!

OK, we've lost about 3000 soldiers, in almost 4 years. 4 Years. We lost close to 4000 during the first 4 HOURS of D-Day. 2300 in 2 hours at Pearl Harbor. And for 2 and 1/2 hours on September 11, we lost 2973 Americans and others. I hate to be callous, but considering how wars usually go, we are getting off light.

Instead of terrorists attacking all over the world, in massive numbers, they are flocking to Iraq to die for their cause. And we're happy to oblige them. Instead of laying waste to the US or Europe, they're dying in record numbers trying to snuff out a fledgling democracy.

I say, stay on course. Don't leave until Iraq is somewhat stable.

If we leave, expect the fall of Saigon and Killing Fields to repeat itself again, this time in Iraq. Also, expect Iran to annex portions of Iraq, making striking distance against Israel and takeover of the ME oil a more likely thing.

Do the Democrats have a viable alternative?

I thought not.

Cut and run and wait for the next attack, and just blame it on Bush. Don't mention the 8 years Clinton had to do something. Carter's impotency in allowing Iran to go fundamentalist. And let's not forget their combined duplicity in cutting off Israel at the knees. Thankfully, the Israelis didn't take to that.

24 Summary 10 am-10:59 am

Well, it's official. Jack is back in his ass kicking mode. Took an atomic bomb to do it, buuuuut, he's back.

OK, President Limpwrist is fretting over his sagging polls and what his legacy will be. Sound familiar? Frau Blucher (horse neighs in background) is still flabbergasted at the mushroom cloud over LA. Daaaang!

Back at CTU, Chigs is in shock that the Redshirt SWAT dorks were wasted in a nuke blast, as was Ward Cleaver, and Jeebs the terrorist. Meanwhile, Imhotep is hauling ass through suburbia and about to run over kids and parents fleeing the A-bomb cloud. What, no duck and cover?

Jack has to help the Eye in the Sky chopper survivor get his live buddy out and the body of his dead pal. Jack gets live guy out, but the chopper and dead guy fall off the roof and chopper blows up. Jack gets a call from Chigs, who annoyingly asks, 'Um Jack, I thought you were done?'
Jack responds, "OH HELL NO, I AM NOT DONE! I BEEN TORTURED, HAD TO BITE OUT A DUDE'S NECK! I SHOT CURTIS! PUKED! ALMOST WENT WUSS! AND NOW A BOMB WENT OFF! NO, I'M NOT DONE! THEY ARE! GET ME A CAR AND SOME GEAR! AND, I WILL NEED A HACKSAW!" 'OK, bye. psycho...."

Russett Potato Face, aka Chloe, is wondering why everyone she knows is dying around her. Morris hears this and scoots his chair AWAY. He answers, 'Well, babe, life's just quirky like that. And we work at Inetech. PC Load Letter, WTF does that mean!' Chigs calls his wife, yes he's married to Frau Blucher, (neighs into phone, Chigs is puzzled) She says, 'Yeah we're moving into Der Bunker, and I think unless Dave Chappelle isn't gutless, we're going to war. The meatloaf is in the fridge. Kisses, bye.' Meanwhile Limpwrist, The Frau, and Karl Rove are plotting what to do next.

Back in LA, Jack is on the phone to CTU to find leads on the terrorists and find colleagues. As he's doing this, Imhotep calls his British weapons supplier, Eddie Izzard clone, and yells at him. Eddie fires back, "Look, no one said nuke LA! Dammit! I said nuke Hollywood! Sheesh, follow frickin orders don't you!" Imhotep, 'Shut it you tranny! Now, listen, if I pay you double what our agreement was, can you get me a new engineer?' "Sure, why?" 'My old engineer Jeebs was atomized, DUH!' So back to CTU, Chloe and Morris are finding names. Soon, hot Arab CTU gal walks by and they see names. Russian General, yeah. OJ's lawyer, of course, Dick Cheney, and Philip Bauer (Jack Bauer's dad)- Music grows louder. "You tell Jack!", Chloe says. 'Oh bloody hell no! You do it!', Morris yells. "One of you assholes tell him! OK, fine, I guess I'LL DO IT!" Chigs Buchanan finally relents. Jack is told his dad may have dealt with terrorists and Jack gets mad.

Now, outside DC, Wally Wally is being held in a detention center by the FBI. All the while his dumb girlfriend, Cynthia McKinney gets attitude. 'Oh, I know you DID NOT have Wally wear a wire and talk to dem terrorists!' as she jerks her head side to side. FBI guy, 'Shut it lady, he's gonna talk to them, we just gotta get the wire on him, first.' "And how you gonna do that? Un-huh?" 'Agents, prepare operation Schoolyard Humiliation........
So the agents shove Wally around, seeing he's not being talked to by the jihadists, and they push him into a stall. Swirlie! Swirlie! Swirlie! So, Wally gets yelled at, punched, and 2-way Beltones is put in his ear for the FBI to use. All the while, Cynthia McKinney is pissed. FBI guy is ready to use his gun, on her.

Back in LA, Jack calls dad's house and Paul Lynde answers. Lynde, "Heya Jackie, aintcha dead?" 'No, got out of China, long story, where's dad?' "Oh he left, probably for Fire Island, that tease. LEft his cell phone too. Hey Jack, you've been in prison, what do you do if you have an itch that...." 'Oh sorry, Paul, cccrrrrr, line's going out, bye!' Jack hangs up before Lynde, Philip's man servant gets too graphic.... So, Jack calls his brother, Gray, who is Rocket Romano, aka Graham of the Blue Tooth Mafia. So Romano answers, and is shocked, "Jack? What the fu.... hey, bro! How are ya! Thought you were in China, for life.... yeah. So, how was prison?" 'Dude, shut up! Where IS DAD?' "Oh Dad, he probably went out with someone for the weekend. Since he and mom broke up, he's playing the whole field. Kind of weird, hey, I got shit to do, um...." 'No you don't Gray, and if you hang up, it's gonna be Hurts Donut time all over again! I'll talk to you later, bye.' We see Romano, Stewie Griffin clone, now has a hot wife and kid that looks like the inbred banjo kid from Deliverance. Banjo kid says, 'Hey Dyaad, did you see dat dere big ass mushroom?' "Yes I did, don't worry, Dad's gonna keep you all safe." 'Oh yeah, sure, Graham. You couldn't keep a secret safe, let alone keep me and Jack from (slides finger in and out of hole made by other fingers)' Stewie gets mad, but doesn't care.

Meanwhile, in DC, Limpwrists writers are heard at work for a damage control speech. You can't say atomic bomb! That's too inflammatory! Of course you can, it went off, brain trust! So, they write a speech. Frau Blucher is nervous and Karl Rove is jotting down plans for new concentration camps and a I HATE KAREN HAYES slogan on his sketch pad.

Back to LA, Imhotep calls Eddie Izzard, who's just picked up a hot blonde chick. Not a hooker, but his girlfriend. Imhotep has Eddie call around. Sorry hon, plans changed, we're not going to Vegas, we're staying here in Fall out LA. Ohhhhh, you suck!

Jack now shows up at Stewie Griffin's house, unexpectedly, after having CTU star 69 Graham's telephone. So, Jack walks in. Romano bitches about Jack not being around in 9 years, and Jack shuts the door and locks it. Meanwhile wife is mad at Jack, 'You were a bad lay! Leave!' "Hey, I was the best you had!" 'Not you Jack, I'm talking to cue ball!' "I've got your money, so bite me!" 'Hey, Ralph and Alice, shut it, I gotta talk to Ralphie boy here. Hi nephew who looks like the Deliverance kid!' "howdy, unc!"

Jack and Stewie go into the nice home office, and Jack locks that door behind him. So Stewie acts like he doesn't know where Philip Bauer is. JAck can tell he sucks at lying, and knocks him out. Jack them ties him to a chair with a lamp cord, and gets.... THE COMFY PILLOW! "No one can ever resist The Spanish Inquisition!" Jack loudly procclaims. 'NO! Not the Spanish Inquisition! You're hurting me!' "Trust me, I'm not! OK, noogies!" Owwww!, as Jack starts giving Graham noogies, hurts donuts, and then wraps a plastic bag over his huge bald head.

To be continued......

Bonaduce Speaks Out Part II

Well, nice to know someone in California isn't a complete freak. Go Danny Bonaduce. And he stated it very well, 'I've been poor, down and out, and strung out and wasted before. I've seen the bad side. Someone threatening to keep me out of movies, I don't fear that. I don't fear them.' Nor should anyone fear the almighty Babs Streisand, Rosie O Loudmouth, Behemoth Baldwin, or Robert Redass. All of whom threatened to move when GWB was elected, TWICE. Well, we've got a Ryder truck for you and we can get you all a one way ticket. In short, put up or shut up. We prefer shut up and so does Danny.

You go Danny!

Here's Danny at his best, in response to Robert Redford.....

http://msunderestimated.com/BonaduceBreaksRedford.wmv

Hillary is running for President.....

and so is everyone else in the Democrapic Convention.

Let's see who's gonna be likely to come out ontop.

There's Barack Obama, he's articulate, well spoken, not a flaming jerk like moonshine, but still a liberal. I ain't voting for him, but someone will. However, here's his negatives. What will nail him before he can even run. First, he's been a Senator for 2 years. It's advised to get a full term or more as Senator, Congressman, Governor, etc. under your belt before you run for The Big Office. Sorry Barack, you may wanna wait for next election. Second, what does he stand for? No official position, just his book he wrote. Third, he's too darned centrist for Howard Dean's liking. He's fired.

Hillary will likely come ontop of the heap of candidates the DNC may consider. Why? Well, she'll play dirty for one thing. She has the backing of New York, which odd since she moved to that state a few months before the Senate race. New York Voters, take pride in electing a reverse carpetbagger over a native son of your state. Bravo. And you call the South stupid. Please. Hil also has Bubba to bolster her campaign. Her personality sucks, she's a flip-flopper, and she's not sure where she stands, BUT Bubba can rake in the money for her. Ask Babs Streisand, Kevin Spacey and others what they think of St. William Jefferson. They may not care for Hildebeast, but they loved her husband, Bubba. Sorry, Bill Clinton. Drawbacks, the carpetbagger thing. Second, Bubba's infidelity, soft foreign policy, pre-9/11 inaction, perjury, scandal after scandal.......

Those more likely to get swept aside, Senator Christopher Dodd, Joe Biden, and John Edwards. And of course Krazy Dennis Kucinich, who can double for Gollum. Yeah, Hil will steamroll, backstab, and general mutilate her competition. And that's just her own party.

Now, the GOP, who will they run?

Likely choice, though will draw heat, Rudolph W Guiliani. Sure, he wasn't a NY Senator, or Governor, or even a cabinet member, but Rudy was mayor of New York for 8 years including 9/11, the Millenium Bombing plots, and the aftermath and prosecution of the Feb 26 1993 WTC Attack. He reduced crime by over 59%. He cleaned up the city. And Rudy got the fiscal budget back in line. Not bad for a former US Attorney who nailed the Gambinos, Ivan Bosky, and others. Sure, his cheating on Donna Hanover will come up, but who's gonna yammer about that? Hillary? She has 200 + pounds of infidelity wed to her! Chris Dodd, Biden? Please..... And of course, people will complain about Rudy's civil rights offenses against Haitians and non-whites committed by the NYPD. Eh, Al Sharpton will complain, what a shock. Rudy does have drawbacks, like being too pro-choice for the hardcore conservatives and of course gay marriage. Eh, he's moderate.

John McCain, HELL NO! War Hero or not, he's as wishy washy as Hildebeast. Ugh, John you should be ashamed.

Super Bowl XLI

Who do you think will win, Da Bears? Da Bears! Or Da Colts? Da Colts.

I think you have Da Colts, with their stellar quarterback, and despite a messed up thumb, will be healed in time for Da Bowl. Expect Manning to do some good stuff. But, do not rule out Chicago. Chicago who was odds on favorite to lose to Nawlins yesterday, but showed themselves better and Nawlins showing themselves crumbling apart. So close, but not close enough for Reggie Bush.

It will be a close Super Bowl, no doubt.

No betting pools starting hear, just talk football, as after Feb 4, there will be jack about Football til April's NFL Draft, and August when pre-season and college start back up. Til then, it will be like wandering the Wilderness in The Sinai for 40 years.......

At the very least, the commercials could be funny this year. We hope.

B4B 9am-959 sum up

All I can say is bravo, and DAAAAMN, they lit off a nuke, they let the suburbs go nuclear! Sheeeeyit! Now Jack's pissed......

09:00:00 to 09:13:38

CTU figures out that Nemo is a German-trained nuclear physicist who knows all about setting off a suitcase nuke. Kemper tries to get Bundy to do something technical, but Bundy says he's doing something else for Chloe. Chloe tells Kemper this ain't the case. "I'm not a mole!" Bundy insists. CTU policy requires Kemper to take his word for it.

At the White House, Gloria Allred and John Caged Weasel describe the potential casualties from a suitcase nuke, which the President of the United States, despite 11 weeks of terror attacks, apparently has not been briefed on. "How many people do you think would be killed by a suitcase nuke," John Caged Weasel asks him. "100?" Chapalle guesses. They inform him that the actual death toll will be many times greater than that, and illustrate it with some graphics they borrowed from the Discovery Channel. "Get me Jack Bauer," President Chapelle demands.

Bashir asks Cola "what are we going to do next?" "What do you mean we kome sabe?" Cola shoots back at him. "Cola and Synthehol don't mix. Like Kanar and Raktajino." Jack is pissed. "Damn it you, play nice together."

Then, Jack’s phone rings. It's Chapelle, "Hey, Jack, How ya doin', Buddy?" Jack flips his bangs out of his eyes: "Breathing deep in darkness that envelops my soul." Chapelle goes on, "Hey, sorry about that whole sending you to your death by torture this morning. You wanna lead the team to find Nemo?" Jack says okeedokee, but grimly.

Meanwhile, Bashir has located Jack's favorite thing in the whole world, a PDA. Everything on the PDA was destroyed in the explosion except one useful message. "Nana Visitor arrived Thursday." He explains that Nana Visitor is code for "bomb" and Thursday is code for "Must See TV." It is obvious a reference to “Joey.”

Less than five minutes after escaping from Palmdale, Nemo has met up with Imhotep in Los Angeles. According to mapquest, the distance from Palmdale to Los Angeles is 53 miles, and the drive is one hour and three minutes under ideal conditions. Looks like someone besides Jack can warp space-time. Imhotep immediately puts him to work on the nuke. "Do you think you can have it ready in time for a climactic action sequence at the end of the hour." Nemo is confident he can, if, of course, he gets the detonator.

Speaking of which, back at the Everyman's house, Mrs Everyman begins to ask White Castle why he became a terrorist, but before White Castle can say anything that might get CAIR on Fox's ass, Bill Everyman calls back, "I killed a guy to get the nuclear detonator for you. Can you forgive me for my race's part in the Crusades?" White Castle says not yet, Bill Everyman has to deliver the detonator to the terrorist cell. Bill says he’ll do it if White Castle releases a hostage. White Castle asks if he’s ever seen the Zionist propaganda film “Sophie’s Choice?” White Castle forces the wife out and warns her he'll kill Billy Everyteen if she calls the police. Mrs Everyman wants to call the Police anyway, but Bill Everyman objects. "I can't bear to see another minority youth hauled off to jail," he says.

But Mrs Everyman does a rare, sensible thing and phones LA County 9-11 "Hello, police, my son is being held hostage by a terrorist who is threatening to kill him unless we deliver a nuclear detonator to a terrorist group... Yes, I can hold."


09:19:36 to 09:31:23

Bundy and Kemper are still getting along like cats in a sack, and soon the audience finds out why. It turns out they both dated Russet Potato Face. She confronts them, "OK, I dated both of you, but neither one of you could satisfy me like Spencer the Stud-boy, so get over it. Now, which one of you is the mole?" Then, the personal side-story to keep the female viewers interested is put aside so that CTU can connect Jack with Mrs Everyman, who conveys that her son is being held hostage by someone who could be a terrorist, but she's reluctant to judge him because one man's terrorist is another man's freedom fighter.

President Chapelle receives Ambassador Smarm in the White House. "Is Bashir really interested in peace?" "Absolutely, 100%, you betcha!" the ambassador insists "And I told John Kerry and Arlen Specter the same thing." The ambassador is excused. Gloria Allred supports the deal, and we all know how good her judgment is. John Caged Weasel opposes the deal, on the grounds that he's a middle-aged white guy and he just hates Muslims. President Chapelle calls Jack and offers Bashir full immunity in return for helping find Imhotep and working for peace. He even offers to pull some strings at the Nobel committee, but Bashir feels that Jimmy Carter's award really reduced the Peace Prize to Grammy status.

Back at the detention camp, Gee Wally accepts water from another prisoner. "Before this day is over, the infidels will pay," the prisoner tells him. Then, he goes off and has a conversation with another prisoner in Arabic, which Gee Wally can not understand except for the parts that are crucial to advancing the plot.

Back in La-La Land, Bill Everyman arrives at the drop, and the terrorists shove a gun in his neck. "Hey, I realize you have legitimate grievances against my country for supporting Zionist Imperialism," he says. “It’s cool.” He hands off the detonator to Nemo. Nemo is pleased, "Cool, I'll have the bomb ready to go in twenty minutes, or it's free," Bill Everyman begs for his son's release. Imhotep calls White Castle. "OK, you can leave now. Kill the boy, first. And don't be a pussy like Behrooz." "Who is Behrooz?" White Castle demands jealously.


09:37:23 to 09:42;25

President Chapelle signs the pardon. He brings in the White House's answer to the McLaughlin Group, John Caged Weasel and Gloria Allred. "Question Number One! We have pardoned a terrorist! How do we sell this to the public? Gloria Allred..." They decide they can spin it to the public as a "Bad terrorist turns good thing," put him on Oprah, have his picture taken with Angelina Jolie and some African children, and make a commercial for stem cell research. If they play their cards right, he can run for senate from Illinois in a couple of years. Even though he's beheaded hundreds of people in the name of Global Jihad, he's still less radical than Dick Durbin.

Meanwhile, Bacardi and Cola with a dash of Synthehol is deploying around the Everyman house. White Castle changes imperatives from "Sit. Down." to "Get. Up." "Why?" Billy Everyteen asks. "So I can kill you," White Castle explains. And proving that his parents raised him to be a good, sensitive new age male, Billy obligingly kneels while White Castle prepares to kill him, execution style. "My mom has an apron in the kitchen, in case you don't want to get my blood on you," Billy tells him helpfully.

The CTU Tactical Team busts into the house. Jack grimly yells "Drop the weapon!" Millions of fans down double shots. Bullets are fired. White Castle goes down like a greasy slider. Jack wants him alive so he can get the location of Imhotep. But, fortunately, Billy Everyteen shares Jack's fondness for Rainman and remembers the address, "Numbers... something about oranges... 351 Old Mill Road Valencia." Jack and the tactical team move out while Billy Everyteen goes to cash his last paycheck and then hang out with Behrooz and Hairboy at the Home for Forgotten 24 Teen Characters.


09:48:25 to 09:59:59

President Chapelle is giving his staff instructions. "Tell first responders in Los Angeles to be ready to respond to a nuclear detonation... but don't panic." Meanwhile, Cynthia McKinney goes to the detention center to visit her boyfriend, who relays to her the conversation he overhard. She is outraged, "Gee Wally, you shouldn't be listening in on other prisoners’ conversations." Then, she hits him with her cell phone. But he begs her to tell the president, and she reluctantly agrees. (Two seasons, from now, she'll probably be president.)

In La-la land, Jack gives Bashir his pardon, but Bashir wants to read it over and make sure there's nothing in it requiring him to do reunion specials with Rene Auberjonois. Cola is not happy. "You mean he walks." "It's not my call," Jack tells him grimly. Chloe confirms that Cola and Bashir have a connection. Bashir personally beheaded two men from Curtis's Army Unit after Desert Storm. She relays this information to Jack just as Curtis puts a gun to Bashir's head. Then, Jack pulls a gun on Curtis. Then all the CTU guys pull their guns. It's just like the banned xbox commercial. "I can't let this animal live," Cola growls. A shot rings out, and Curtis takes one right in the neck from Jack's gun. Curtis says "Garp," and then he says "Good" and then he dies.

Jack throws up and hugs a tree. His cell phone rings. Chiggy Killer is calling. "Jack, I know you're upset right now, but it's not the first time you had to kill a trusted friend and it probably won't be the last. Let's go get some pancakes." "No pancakes, I quit," Jack says. "I can't do this any more. So, why don't you just go back to your Justin Timberlake and your homework, you conformist asshole?" He jerks his hair back into place. "You just don't know what real pain is."

Also, Chiggy finds out that White Castle died on the way to the hospital. Because of his circumstances, he doesn't get 72 Virgins. He gets to be one of the 72 Virgins for last night's suicide bomber.

CTU has imagery on Imhotep's hideout. A tactical squad moves in. They approach two sentries for whom the war is over quickly. But Nemo is almost done with the weapon. As the tactical team comes in shooting, a terrorist shouts at Nemo, "Can you detonate now?" Nemo can detonate now, and he does. A mushroom cloud blossoms over Los Angeles. The President watches in the White House, stunned. “OK, he gets one more deal, but that’s it!” he insists.

Jack sees it from the front lawn of the Everyman house. He knows either Rob Reiner is lighting farts again, or someone detonated a nuke.

Meanwhile, Gee Wally's overheard conversation is conveyed to the CTU. They realize there are four more nukes out there with Nemo, If Jack doesn't stop him, it will be like 9-11 times... well, four.

8-859 Sum Up

8am-859am

Jack and his pal Assad, aka Asshead to others are following Jarrett The Unsuccessful Subway Bomber's handler. Jack and Asshead are in touch with CTU. CTU amazed Jack is still alive, and that he hasn't wasted MORE PEOPLE. Yet.

At the White House President Palmer, Stenko and Frau Blucher (horse neighs) go over Asshead's non-demise, Jack being one of the Lost Boys again, and how to stop Baldie, aka Imhotep The Terrorist. They are in touch with Chiggy and Hot ME Chick, as Morris is verbally gutting Milo the Tech kid. Chloe has to step in rather than see Morris dress down the kid. Chloe prefers that for another time......

They are being asked by Jack to track Imhoteps flunky since their Toyota Hybrid sucks ass for a pursuit car and oddly enough IS NOT blending in with the rest of California. Theirs is the only car under a decade old not playing Latino music loudly..... had to do that, sorry. Well not really.

So Jack, has Asshead drop him off. Jack then bitch slaps Harvey Fierstein and takes his white Jeep. OJ all the while pleading for some to steal and burn his white Bronco and the evidence! 'Thanks for nothing, honkey!' Jack flicks off OJ and heads to cut off the flunky. We then see The All State Guy talk about Scoop and Squat, as Jack T-bones the flunky, and Asshead is a safe distance behind, in the hybrid. So oddly enough Jack, doesn't ass punch the guy, he just yells, 'No habla ingles! No insurancio, no policia. Adios, pendejo!' and drives off. So, Asshead, offers to give flunky a ride to where ever.

Jack is now to meet up with his boy Cola, and then they're gonna beat that ass. Jack tells Cola he's working with Asshead. Cola gets the look you'd get if Helen Thomas went topless. Ugh.... but Cola drives with Jack. Curtis then starts to hum some Method Man, and Jack is now worried.

Meanwhile back at Jackass House, Bam and April are being held hostage by Kumar, and so is Phil. Phil is told to run errands for Kumar, whose leg was cut when Dauber tossed him into a glass coffee table, before Kumar delivered the Mozambique Drill to Dauber. Kumar has April patch him up as he holds a shaking gun at Bam. Weeman and Johnny and Dunn left. Bam, curses them for being a bunch of bitches. So, Phil is to go drop off the package Kumar took out of the wall. Off goes Phil out of Suburbia, leaving Bam and April to Kumar's mercy and the Alligator on the floor.

At the White House, President Palmer agrees to Imhotep's latest demand. Free 100 Al Qaeda guys and put them on a plane to meet him, or more American will die. So, President Palmer turns into Little Richard and just agrees. Stenko is pissed, and even Frau Blucher (horse neighs) is miffed.

At this time, the prisoners are being put onto busses. And also, Palmer's stupid sister, Cynthia McKinney Crackwhore Clone, is being beligerent and hauled off with her big Muslim Boss to a concentration camp, oops, detainment center. Ze Kommandant takes Cynthia McKinney to his office, as Der SS beat up Big Muslim Guy. Now, Cynthia calls her bro. Instead, she gets Stenko and threatens to go Valerie Plame on him. So Stenko says go stuff your cigar, Monica, and hangs up. Then he goes back into the Oval Office, acting normal.

Bacardi and Cola are en route to nail the flunky. Cola is none too pleased with having to work with Asshead. Chloe is now called to see why Cola is pissed at Asshead. Chloe works as Morris and Michael Bolton, aka Milo continue their pissing contest. Morris is winning, cause he drank more beer the night before. And Michael, well, he was a lightweight. Loser!

Kumar wants water. Bam backwashes in it, and is about to stab Kumar with a butter knife, but remembers it's now dulled after him and Weeman and Dunn had a knife war. Stupid, he thinks to himself and sits down, as Phil is sent to go get the part. Phil is told, 'You get the part, after delivering the package! And on the way back, get me some White Castles! Bitch!' So Phil, arrives to see Kumar's bud, Van Wilder. Van wants more money, and Phil has to kill him and get the part for Kumar, or let Bam and Ape die. Damn, tough choice. Nah, Phil says as he smashes Van Wilder's head into mush!

Jack, Asshead, Cola, and a team of nameless CTU SWAT guys follow the flunky to the neighborhood Public Storage. No one bothers to check his storage unit, but he has plastique stowed there, Kalashnikovs, grenades, and a bunch of Korans. Wow, what a scion of the community he is. He's inside the unit, calling Imhotep to get more electronics for their nefarious bomb plot, mwahahaha. However, a SWAT guy steps on a cat's tail, and the shooting begins. Another nameless CTU guy is taken out. Jack and Cola are shooting the place up, Wild Bunch style, and wound the flunky. The flunky pulls out a nade, grenade, and yanks out the pin, blowing up his storage unit, the C-4, his Qurans, and himself. No 72 virgins for you! For you have blown up Qurans, instead of the Jew Bibles or Torahs! Bad terrorist! Do not pass go, do not collect $500! And we hear the broken-voiced teenage worker from the Simpsons stammer out, 'HEY! You owe us more than your deposit for this mess! I'm telling!'

President Palmer heard about the mission problems, and agrees to let the 100 freedom fighters (Stenko loudly coughs- BULLSH-T) and even Frau Blucher (horse neighs) is not happy. And now the prisoners are ready to be freed. Imhotep wants one of them in particular, and CTU knows he's a little nuke scientist. They try to nail Apu, but a bad guy guard let him off. Now, it's PRISON BREAK all over again.

At this time, Phil has killed Kumar's part buddy. The part is for a nuclear bomb, which the escaped little nuke scientist Apu needs, and Imhotep needs to set off a weapon. Now Imhotep raises his pinky to his mouth, and laughs.

To be continued.

24 Update from B4B

LETS GET THIS STARTED!!!

THE FOLLOWING TAKES PLACE BETWEEN 8:00 - 9:00 A.M.

8:02 -

I wonder how much Toyota had to pay to get the Yaris in?

8:05 -

No. Mr. President it... Wait, I can't give out spoilers. :-)

8:07 -

Is Morris perfect for Chloe? I could only dream of being so sarcastic.

8:10 -

GTA MOTHER F&%$*R!!!

BOOM! (I've always wanted to do that.)

Lets make sure everyone in the audience notices that Toyota emblem.

8:14 -

HOSTAGES FTW! I swear there is always a group of people in the wrong place at the right time.

How can you see anyone? Your losing blood at a substantial rate. If it is on the floor, your brain sure as hell isn't getting it....

8:20 -

Reconnected with Bauer? What is he a Cyborg?

Make the wrong call there Mr. President.

8:23 -

BACARDI & COLA. THEY GET THE JOB DONE!

8:25 -

I would have at least spit in the glass of water. A big snotty one.

8:27 -

Prison Break is coming back!!

8:30 -

Does the prison Sgt. have the hots for that terrorist?

8:32 -

That F.B.I. agent looks like someone who died last season. I don't think he was shot, but blown up.

CAVITY SEARCH!!!

8:38 -

Who is going to see 300? I sure am. IT IS GOING TO ROCK!!

And Back to the Yaris show.

8:40 -

Cola looks to have "kick ass" on full tilt.

8:41 -

Jack may have lost the force in getting those terrorists bastards to talk, but Assad has proven himself worthy. Well, in getting them to talk at least.

Wow, what a "for show" explosion. That wasn't C4. Although I don't think C4 can be triggered unless it has an electric fuse.

8:44 -

Sgt. is still eye-balling Mr. Terrorist.

8:45 -

An Allstate commercial. Funny.

8:48 -

The show is running about 5 minutes ahead. Remember, only half is in the box.

Dude, write him a check and BE GONE! Don't cry over it. You could always beat him to death with a lamp....

Scrambled eggs I guess.

8:55 -

Namir, is GONE! Who'd ua thunk it? NUmair? Newmear?


That is it for hour three. I need another drink and be back in time for hour four!!!

OKAY BACK!!

THE FOLLOWING TAKES PLACE BETWEEN 9:00 - 10:00 A.M.

9:00 -

A PLOY?!?!? DURRRRRRRRR!

9:03 -

"Your Upset!?" One hell of an understatement.

NUKE! > 100,000+ people.

9:05 -

Numair crossed the CITY in 5 minutes on FOOT?!?!

9:10 -

351 Old Mill R.d. Valencia. Could there be a nuke there? QUICK someone Google earth it. I can't find it.

9:15 -

Tabs and tables? Is Excel that necessary?

9:20 -

24- Making political meetings exciting since....

9:22 -

Cola's eyes are about to pop out.

9:25 -

DURKA! DURKA!?

9:25 -

Smart there guy. INSULT the guys with the guns and the NUKE!

9:28 -

BYE BYE SCOTT! (maybe)

9:30 -

ON DVD TOMORROW!?!?! What did I watch last week? Sheesh.

9:30 -



9:35 -

ALive? Awww.

He DID get the address right.

9:40 -

I watch House too. :)

I'm working on screen shots... bear with me.

9:45 -

COLA WHAT ARE YOU PLANNING?

9:50 -

OMG! Here it comes!

COLA NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!





9:55 -

Uh Oh.

LoL Nuke!

HOW IS THAT FOR A KILL COUNT!





I tried with the screen shots. Who knew nukes could be fun?

10:00 -

Well that was fun. I hope everyone enjoyed.

7am-7:59 am Blogs4Bauer style

Hat tip: Blogs 4 Bauer's sick and brilliant minds......

07:00:00 to 07:15:22

So, Jack, having fed on the blood of the living, is hiding in a drain under his cell, recovering his super-human powers. Meanwhile, Imhotep and his henchman, Harvey Feirstein, search adjacent tunnels, until Harvey Feirstein convinces Imhotep to forget about Jack and concentrate on the terrorism.

As the terrorists go elsewhere, Jack finds a car, and busts a window and finds a phone, "Oh,snap!" he exclaims. He calls CTU. "Chiggy, listen to me carefully. Call off the air strike. You're killing the wrong man. Julian Bashir is not responsible for these attacks. If you kill him, you're going to get more white guilt from this than from the last six seasons of M*A*S*H." Chiggy arranges for Jack to be put through to the President. Jack reiterates, Imhotep: bad, Julian Bashir: Good, Frank Stallone: Pure Evil.
Suddenly, Gloria Allred turns into Janet Reno. "Don't listen to Jack Bauer, Mr. President. Go in there and burn 'em. Burn 'em all. Burn, baby, burn!"
Chiggy asks, "Honey, how many times last season was Jack right and you were wrong?"
Gloria Allred-Reno answers, "18,654 ... but I feel really good about this time."
President Chapelle agrees. "The air strike goes forward. It's a celebration, bitches!"

So, then Jack hotwires the car and races against time toward the address of Julian Bashir. He's racing against military helicopters in a Caprice Classic wagon in LA Rush Hour traffic, but by warping space and time and being "definitely an excellent driver," he makes it to the coordinates ahead of the shoppers.

Meanwhile, back at the home of Mr. and Mrs. Everyman, Bill Everyman Sr. is on the phone with the FBI, trying to learn where Behrooz-2007's father is. Imhotep calls Behrooz-2007 and tells him to go back and get his package. Behrooz agrees to go back to his house, but not before refusing a pendant from Bill Everyman Jr. "Neck jewelry looks really gay on me," he explains.

Meanwhile, Jack arrives at the air strike coordinates, cold-cocks one of the henchmen with his long, hard wood, and acquires a gun. Using the gun, he bursts into the bungalow, where four terrorists are working on computers. Mostly, they're doing payroll and EEOC filings. There's actually an awful lot of paperwork involved in terrorism. Then Bashir bursts into the room. He and Jack are in a standoff. Jack wins his trust by putting down his weapon.

Bashir admits that he has had a change of heart. Since coming to America, he's been watching a lot of Oprah and now he's convinced that America isn't the Great Satan, and Americans and Stallonists should join hands in the great drumming circle of life and sing Kum Ba Yah. "Can I have a hug?" he asks Jack. But Jack insists there's no time. Jack and Bashir make it out of the building just as Hellfire missiles rain down from above and destroy the one-story wooden bungalow in a hellish firestorm.

This being one of the more down and out neighborhoods of L.A. No one really notices. They figure somebody just crossed M-13.


07:18:51 to 07:26:55

Meanwhile, jack-booted FBI thugs raid a "community-service" organization that bears a striking resemblance to CAIR and demand personnel lists. The president's sister, Sandra Chapelle, a.k.a. Sister Act, stands up to them and insists they get a warrant. Her Arab assistant wants to cooperate fully, but she would rather call and her brother the president, and deliver an Important Message(TM) about the wrongness of ethnic profiling.

Meanwhile, within five minutes of the air strike, Cola is on the ground counting bodies. "One, two, three... four bodies." He counts twice, just to be sure. They soon determine that none of the bodies was Frank Stallone. Chiggy informs the president, the President asks John Caged Weasel what Frank Stallone will do next. John Caged Weasel does his Yoda impression, "Respond, he will."

In another part of town, Imhotep pulls inside a warehouse in a van, where a suicide bomber is being belted up for an attack. Imhotep gives him a little pep talk, and then arms the suicide belt. "You know what to yell at the moment of detonation?" he asks. "Allahu-Akhbar?" the bomber asks. Imhotep shakes his head, "No, we're changing the cry to, 'This is Bush's Fault.' It's more media-friendly."


07:31:22 to 07:37:02

Jack is trying to help Bashir escape the CTU Dragnet. He spots a target of opportunity, a house that movers have just finished packing and moving out of... at 7:30 in the morning. R--i-i-i-i-i-ght. Jack warns Bashir that CTU will know by now that he wasn't killed in the airstrike and will widen their search. Jack and Bashir argue over whether Bashir should turn himself in to CTU. "You should turn yourself in to CTU." Jack tells him. "No, I won't" Frank Stallone insists, it's more important that they find Imhotep. "Tell me where Imhotep is" Jack demands. Bashir 's henchman refuses. So, Jack jabs him in the nerve bundle on the left shoulder with a knife, which is usually very persuasive. But Jack takes pity on him and stops the torture, claiming the man doesn't know anything, he can tell by the look in his eyes. So, Bashir picks up the knife and stabs the truth of Imhotep's location out of him. Then stabs him to death, but politely apologizes to him as he does so, much in the manner of the African Bushman or the Indians of the Northern Plains who honored their prey after the hunt, unlike the white man, who just killed for pleasure and you all should feel very, very guilty about that.

Back at CTU, Chloe looks over imagery from the airstrike and spots Jack and two men running away just before the missiles hit. She promptly informs Chiggy Killer. Chiggy Killer and Chloe see the picture and affirm that Jack would never rescue Bashir out of simple compassion... because he isn't a fluffy little baby kitten. They know Jack was right and Mrs. Chiggy Killer was wrong (no surprise) and now they have to find Imhotep.


07:41:23 to 07:46:22

Anyway, back at CAIR, the FBI has returned with a warrant. Sister Act at first questions the legitimacy of the warrant, then relents, and allows them to get the personnel files out of the computer room. Then, she furiously begins deleting them. So, the FBI arrests her and impounds every work station and hard drive in the office. And we're supposed to be upset, I guess.

Meanwhile, Behrooz-2007 returns to his house, takes out his package, and fondles it lovingly. He is jumped by the neighborhood bigot and and furiously beaten. Then, Behrooz-2007 takes out a gun and shoots the bigot once in the leg, once in the neck. He pulls a piece of glass coffee table out of his leg. Bill Everyman Jr comes to the house and wants to call 9-11. Behrooz-2007 instead pulls a gun on him and lectures him on the correct pronunciation of Arabic names. It's a bit like the "Romanes Eunt Domus" scene in "Life of Brian" but not quite as funny. Almost as funny, but Behrooz-2007 just lacks John Cleese's priceless sense of comic timing.


07:50:42 to 07:59:59

Jack and Bashir are in a car, They spot Imhotep's men crossing the street, a handler and a suicide bomber, and heading into the Los Angeles subway, seriously imperiling both daily riders. The follow and watch from the Promenade. "You follow the handler, I'm going after the bomber, and Odo will... oh, never mind" Jack tells him. Jack and the bomber get on the same car. The train pulls away from the station. Bashir follows the handler.

Jack sees the terrorist sitting near the back of the subway car, the detonator in his right hand. The ticket taker asks for Jack's ticket, "I'm Jack Bauer. I'm a Federal Agent. You have a terrorist on this train. Now move away." The ticket guy hears this from scary disheveled homeless guys all the time. LA Metro policy requires him to back off slowly and not make any sudden moves. Sean Penn gets free rides this way all the time.

Jack jumps the terrorist and they struggle. Jack is normally able to kill a man instantly when the situation requires it, but this scene requires more fighting. The terrorist breaks free and stands by the rear door. "It's Bush's fault!" he yells, then detonates. Jack hard kicks him in the gut and he falls out of the train and explodes on the tracks. Which is a bummer for him. You don't get 72 virgins for causing property damage.

Henchman reports that Union Station was not blown up. The bomb went off four blocks too soon. But, bombs in Baltimore and Chicago went off as planned, and Imhotep is pretty pleased overall.

The White House gets the news that even though they went through with the deal, and the airstrike, terror bombings continue, Gloria Allred approaches the President and grimly informs him that, it's now 18,655 times Jack was right and she was wrong

Curiously, the missile attack on the house in Inglewood has not made the news. Probably because ChapelleCo controls the media.

My 24 Summary

6am-6:59am summary

OK, it's 6 am, and unusually dark in LA. We see the fruits of the new Congress, terrorism everywhere! Just kidding, but it's bad, and it's been nonstop for 11 weeks or so. A Middle Eastern guy is getting looks, while everyone is watching the news. 'Whaaaaat? I didn't do anything. You're mean...' he's thinking. ME guy wants to get on a bus, but Ralph Kramden won't let him on. ME guy is yelling, 'I'm gonna be late to work at Inetech! And my name is Nainanajar, Na-ina-na-jar! Piece of sh-t! Argh!' The bus gets a block or so down the street, as an Asian guy turns on his ipod, and after one too many hits of Taylor Hicks, it blows up and triggers C-4, taking out him, Taylor, Ralph Kramden, and 3 dozen others.

In DC, it's 9 am, and very much light. President Palmer, Wayne Palmer, is fretting over this attack, and one the day before in San Antonio. His advisers include Frau Blucher (hourse outside neighs), aka Karen Hayes the National Security Advisor(Hughes?), the little curly haired guy from Ally McBeal, we'll call him Stenko for now, a couple of no-name generals, and the Secret Service, minus Agent Red. And nowhere is seen Mike Novick or Secretary Heller. Defense and a veteran aid are needed, hello? Stenko advises the US detain the ME types in detention centers, they're not concentration camps! No Germans are near em, so we're clear. Frau Blucher, (horse neighs), speaks. She's against it as this will bite us in the butt, look at the Civil War and WWII internments.... No alternatives, apparently. Except, CTU is all over it, and President Wayne is expecting a call from them.....

Now, we're back in LA, at CTU. Milo from season 1 is the head IT guy at CTU, and he's got the Michael Bolton(Office Space guy) Complex. Stuff is going wrong. 'PC Load Letter, what the f-ck does that mean?! Chloe, Morris, help now!' Chloe is now HOT! WTF, you may think, but she is. And her ex, Morris, is at CTU also. SPorting his English accent. Now, we've got Hot ME CTU Director here, and she knows Jack Bauer is coming back to the US. The Chinese are handing him over to us. What was their rationale? 'After a few hours, we felt empty and ready for more. His torture last longer than full stomach after MSG food.'

Jack comes back, on a Chinese transport, looking like a cross between Castaway and Dee Snider. He's twitching, he's got more scars than a plastic surgery junkie, a gnarly burned hand, and is staring off. Chiggie Killer and Cola show up. COla is ready to bust a cap if Jack gets cute. Chigs and Cola tell Jack, he's back, and he is free so a terrorist he bumped uglies with can kill him, and if he kills Jack, he will disclose the whereabouts of boss, Yasser Arafat. Sorry, his name's Assad. Asshead, whatever. Jack is given a major haircut, shower, and clean change of clothes from Kohl's.

Jack's arrival is told to Chloe who gets weepy and wants to save Jack. I think she's got a crush and wants some Bauer Power. 2 years in prison, he's gotta be ready to reclaim some turf. Audrey, watch out! 2 years in prison, no bitchy comments from Kim. Wew, aw scheisse, my peace and quiet is over! Damn! Kill me now!

At the White House, Frau Blucher (horse neighs, staffers are puzzled at the horse in the West Wing, oddly used to the jackasses in it though) calls Chigs and they talk. She's worried about the camps and the plan to kill Assad. Chigs is worried Jack may go off. And both talk in baby talk. 'Miss you pumpkin.' 'Miss you two, silver hair.' Chiggy remembers to save her new number, and stop calling Blucher's 1-900 number.

At this time, the FBI is given powers to arrest ANYONE that Stenko and the govment may find a threat. Haji is now nervous when he goes to the airport as Dr. Quest, Johnny and Race whisper to the FBI, 'Dude, he's in a turban. I know it looks like he's Sikh, but dude, get him....' Johnny's still made about what Haji did to Bandit. Bandit still ain't walkin right.

Jack is riding through a bright and sunny LA, even after the dark disappears, and is commenting on how torture wasn't as bad as watching The View. Then Chigs and Cola get a call from President Palmer, who talks to Jack. He then tells him, sorry Jack, but you're gonna be the sacrificial lamb. Jack retorts, you know what they do to lambs over there, before they kill em' right? It's baaaaad. Noooooo. Palmer thinks about it and feels pity for Jack being treated like a sheep in the ME, but it's either Jack's ass or millions of asses on the line. Jack agrees, whatever dude, let's do it.

CTU then hands off Jack to the terrorists. Chigs and Cola are about to cry and share a man hug, but drive off. They get back to CTU, in LA, no traffic. Imagine that! At the White House, Stenko and Palmer are getting the Marines Cobra choppers ready for attack on Assad, once they get the coordinates. COBRA!!!!

Now, in Suburbia, we have a nuclear family. Mom, dad, and a skater kid teenager. Bam Marjera is seeing a Ford pull up to their neighbor's house. The neighbor is Arab, so naturally he's hauled off in a hood and in cuffs. Bam is upset, and yells, "Phil! They're taking Kumar's dad! WTF is this?" 'Bam, it's probably one of your jackass episodes, so don't worry.' "Dad, the FB freakin I took Kumar's dad! That's f-cked up!" 'OK, let's see what's up with Kumar, son. No more fireworks at night!' "Oh OK." As Bam lights a fuse. Kumar, a Behrooz clone, sees his dad driven off, then his redneck neighbor, Dauber and a flunky show up. They start pounding on the door, and are about to give Kumar Deliverance Treatment, when Phil surges in and kicks ass! All the time April Marjera is trying to shoo another alligator out of the kitchen, as Johnny and Dunn laugh off camera. Phil sumos Dauber, as the flunky watches. He tells Dauber to leave, or he's gonna get mean. Dauber leaves, for now. Kumar and Bam share a moment and they invite Kumar to chill in the Marjera home til things cool off.

Chloe is watching this and wants to help. But Hot ME CTU boss is pissed, as is Buchanan. If CTU tracks the terrorists, they won't help us killed Big Badder Terrorist. Palmer let em hack into our surveillance as a guarantee.

Meanwhile, back at terrorist lair, head terrorist, tortures Jack. Terrorist Baldie says Jack tortured his brother to death and wants to give Jack is comeuppance. Baldie slices into Jack's shoulder, hitting a bundle of nerves, pokes his spinal nerves with a corkscrew, and makes Jack watch The View Gone Wild videos. Now Jack screams at Rosie O'Donnell doing a raunchy dance. As this happens, the villain, stupidly tells Jack he's setting up Assad to take the fall for his antics. And Assad is trying to stop him from having any fun. Thanks for helping me kill the good guy, jackass! Ugh, Jack thinks as he passes out.

This bald guy then gives CTU the coordinates, after the satellite feed is killed. Baldie Calls Kumar and tells him to get 'the package' ready. Kumar is pissed that his dad was captured and he can't talk to loud as Bam is about to play a bad joke on April, again. And this time Wee Man is helping. Hehe, midgets are funny.

As bald guy leaves Jack alone with a nameless guard, Jack takes a bite out of crime and terrorist boy's neck! As Jack turns into one of The Lost Boys, he tears out a dude's jugular, let's him bleed, the guy dies and goes limp. hehe, he said limp. And Jack is one.....

Bald Baddie is pissed and has his guys search an air vent. Jack in a storm drain, is now waiting to kick some ass......

Wait til next hour!!!!

24 is back! Heck ya!

Here's a good summary from Blogs4Bauer, you dudes and gals ROOOOOOCK!

6:00am
900 people dead? Car bomb in New York....Muslims late for work.... I love 24
BOOOOOOMMMMM 23 more dead.
"Lock up everyone who prays to Mecca"? Is Sean Hannity president?

President Wayne Palmer.... When does he do his first Allstate commercial?
Failure? With CTU involved? No you have to be joking?

Chloe...swwwwiiinnnnggg Kim Bauer who?
"Morris we are at work....meet me in Conference Room B in 20"
Jack's coming back and he is going to love your new haircut/killing Aaarrabbs.

We don't know his state of mind? When have we ever?
Did someone order a #43 with a side of homicidal maniac?

"Jack Bauer did not breath (or pee) for 2 years..."
Jack forced to die for CTU in the first 10 minutes? What are we going to do for the next 23 hours and 50 minutes? Oh right.

JACK BAUER'S FIRST WORDS IN 2 YEARS? "Where is Penis Nose"? What did those Chinese bastards do to him?

Commercial Break
Someone give me a Pats update! Pats up 3 with 1:10 left.... DAMMMITT
While Imm happy that movie 300 gave us more photos on Myspace, I will still never go see that stupid movie.

Tckkk...
LA hit by terrorists.......Personally I'm glad that I'm not counting each kill on the kill counter. Maybe we should count Chloe's bitchy comments...1,2,3,4...
I smell mole......Hot muslim chick is a mole. Chloe will steal her keycard, log into her computer and check her Myspace page and see if Assad is in her top 8.

Jack flew from China, drove from the airport, had the sun rise, and are almost at CTU in less than 20 minutes. He hasn't lost a beat. But will he remember how to use a cell phone? Yes.

Jack Bauer handcuffed to a grate with no cellphone? That poor grate. What did that grate ever do to deserve this?

6:30.......
Let me just say that 24 is awesome. Watching 24 on HDTV is really awesome.
Pats - 24 Chargers - 21
Audrey was on that lame show The Nine (which I think only lasted a few weeks). Michelle Dessler was on The Knights of Prosperity last week (equally lame).
6:36...
Drudge is livebloging?

Someone's attacking Behrooz? Dude, I think we should smoke some weed and blow up a White Castle...I mean eat...

New Evil Guy's nickname: Mr. Abu Al-Clean

6:46
Jack is so screwed and Prison Break's return means the absolute end to all of my Monday nights.

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh I think Jack likes this torture.

6:57
Jack Bauer is dead? Tyler D...you killed him. Chloe... you too. Morris...grow some hair...

Kill Counter
Jack Bauer kills using his mouth (4 points)
He didn't say anything cool or have on aviators. However, he probably has not brushed his teeth in 2 years, so his breath had to be torture.
Jack Bauer vampire. Lestat is a sissy.

Kill Counter Hour 1 Total = 4 Points

Live Blogging Hour 2
Previously on 24, a bunch of B-rate actors from movies you have never seen are on your favorite show.

7:00

Jack is stuck in the LA sewers... He grabs one of Rosie Odonnell's diaprams and floats to CTU.

Jack Bauer could have started that car with his finger.

President Palmer to Bauer: Sorry I tried to have you killed....its this damn Palmer blood that is running through my veins.

Product Placement: Nextel.

The racist neighbor was right, his muslim target is a terrorist. I love Fox....sometimes

Someone called in the US Marines....the next best thing after Jack Bauer.

7:10 - first Token mention. Did someone order a Bacardi and Cola?

Why does Jack introduce himself? There is a mole inside the terrorist group? I see they have the same writers from the past 5 seasons.

Boooooommmm
7:15
If Jack Bauer was dropped from a crane, he would come out in China. In fact, that is how the Chinese really returned Jack Bauer to America. They dropped him from a crane in Bejing and he popped up in LA.

7:19
"There are no terrorists here"..... 24 Rules says "There are terrrorists here"

Sandra, stop being like Sherry Palmer and help us out. Civil protections, Bush is evil, war for oil..... There are always people looking out for the rights of others/terrorists.

Is that Barack Obama? Talk about overexposure.

"Respond he will guaranteed" - what is he? Yoda?

7:26

This season of 24 will setback images of muslims something like 2 years. We have come so far...

If I never see that stupid SHARP golf commercial again... I thought I'd seen it the last of it during the World Series when they had it in every commercial rotation.

7:31

In case you are just joining us, Jack Bauer is helping out terrorists. Now stop asking what the hell is going on.

Bauer: "WHERE IS HE!!!" .... everyone drink never mind, he didn't say "We are running out of time".

In the kneecap.....oooooohhhhh Camel Nuts that hurts.

American flag in the background as we see some torture scenes....24 brought to you by The New York Times.

7:37

"I don't know how to do this anymore" - Jack Bauer. Oh crap, America is so screwed. Jack Bauer doesn't torture, another Hannibal movie is coming out, the Patriots are going to the AFC Championship. What do I have to live for? Oh right; Prison Break returns soon and we can make fun of retards on American Idol.

7:41
Obama calls Palmer. The FBI is back and they want to ask questions about my People magazine photoshoot.

Roger Clinton meet Sandra Palmer.

BANG... Some noname from Harold and Kumar just shot the catcher from Major League 2. Any minute now, the cast of Weekend at Bernies will show up and we will all have a good laugh.

6 Degrees of Kevin Bacon. Rube Baker was the catcher for the Cleveland Indians in Major League 2....President Palmer played outfield. Dennis Haysbert was in What's Cooking? (2000) with Maury Chaykin Maury Chaykin was in Where the Truth Lies (2005) with Kevin Bacon

7:50

Product Placement: Toyota

Those are some clean subways. Are you watching New York?

I'd hate to be a muslim on the subway on Tuesday....someone is going to get their bag checked.

Only Jack Bauer gets a free subway ride by claiming a terrorist is on board.

BOOOOOMMMMMMM

Kill Counter
Jack Bauer killed an arab with explosives/feet (1 point)

"we have no way to fight back"....J-A-C-K- do I need to continue spelling?

7:58...7:59

Seriously...with the constant attacks on our country, why do we elect Palmers?

Fox has some really stupid commercials for movies and TV shows that we will just have to put up with. My suggestion is liberal use of the MUTE button.

Final Kill Counter Total for Hours 1-2: 5 points

Tomorrow: The Kill Counter will get some nice pointage as Jack Bauer claims that he "can't do this anymore"...until someone pisses him off. Then he tends to go overboard.

If you live in the NY area....it is that time of year when the Fox5 News team like to tease a 24-related story and hold on until after the last story to broadcast it. I hate that.

Remember. Tomorrow is Talk Like Jack Bauer Day

Jack Bauer coming undone?

Check this out, we will still have Jack Bauer, but he will become more and more vulnerable and close to breakdown, soon.

Promise.

http://www.cnn.com/2007/SHOWBIZ/TV/01/11/apontv.24returns.ap/index.html

For Jack Bauer, saving America is all in a day's work.

But early in this new day on the Fox thriller "24," his calling as the counter-terrorist go-to guy has clearly taken its toll.

"Tell the president I'm sorry," Bauer sobs into his cell phone just four hours into the current daylong ordeal. "I can't do this anymore."

By now, even staunch "24" fans may feel the same way, having suffered with Jack -- and with the preyed-upon nation whose very survival depended on him -- for the past five seasons.

But he will carry on, of course. And so will we, answering the call of the explosive first four episodes of "24" when they air Sunday and Monday from 8 to 10 p.m. EST. (Watch Kiefer Sutherland talk "24" )

Two years have elapsed since last season's crush of crises du jour, a day that saw Bauer (Emmy winner Kiefer Sutherland) bring down treasonous President Charles Logan -- and then, in a cruel twist, get kidnapped and thrown in the hold of a China-bound tanker to face punishment for raiding a Chinese consulate.

The present day finds the United States in turmoil as, moments after 6 a.m., an L.A. city bus is blown up by a suicide bomber. Thought to be the work of Islamic militants, it's the latest in a series of bombings that have pushed Americans to the brink of hysteria.

"They're afraid to leave their homes," says President Wayne Palmer (younger brother of former President David Palmer), reaching out to Bauer in desperation. "They're actually starting to turn against each other."

The president has managed to get Jack sprung from the Chinese and returned to L.A. He needs him for a quid pro quo to stop the carnage.

It will mean (what else is new?) Bauer's almost certain death.

"It will be a relief," says traumatized, tormented Jack.

But relief is something Bauer never gets. Always in motion and obliged to cheat death, he's a slave to against-all-odds endurance. For the sake of America. And at the price of high anxiety for "24" devotees.

The edge of truth
It's been that way since the series premiered.

"24" took flight from an ambitious if gimmicky concept: a multi-strand narrative of action and intrigue whose indefatigable hero would fight domestic terrorism in an hour-by-hour, real-time rush tracking a single day that would span a full season.

But then, just weeks before its premiere, "24" received unbidden, awful validation: the events of 9/11. Indeed, the series got off to a particularly uncomfortable start when, on its first episode (aired November 6, 2001), a terrorist blew up the jetliner in which she had been a passenger, cleverly parachuting to safety.

Through no fault of its own, "24" arrived seeming far too close to real life. The hopped-up dread that propelled "24" must have struck many viewers that first season not as sleek escapism, but as quite the opposite: a disturbing ricochet off their own altered world.

The first season, "24" won critical acclaim as Bauer foiled an assassination plot against David Palmer, then a black U.S. Senator on the fast track to the Oval Office. But "24" wasn't a hit. It ranked 74th place in viewers.

Its ratings ascendancy has come in recent years (last season it was tied for 24th), maybe owing to the passage of time since 9/11. (People have also caught up with the show on DVD.)

But, more likely, it's thanks to the series' knack for somehow raising the apocalyptic stakes of each crisis Bauer confronts. And to the growing assurance with which "24" somehow straddles the extremes of hyper-real and preposterous: "24" is patently absurd on so many levels, yet it's as white-knuckles gripping as anything on TV. If we look too close, it's laughable. But it cuts too near the truth to not keep watching.

"24" fans were blown away by last season's fearsome frolic with President Logan. A foppish wretch, he turned out to be behind a cockamamie plan to manufacture deadly nerve gas and sell it to foreign terrorists. But then they threw him a curve by making Los Angeles, not Russia, their intended target. Compounding his villainy, Logan had a hand in David Palmer's murder.

Now it's a new day dawning, and if 6 a.m. through 10 a.m. proves anything, this season will up the ante even further.

Created in a nation that no longer exists, "24" has deftly adapted to the post-9/11 era in which it's enfolding. When the ground shifted beneath it, "24" shifted, too: from a series that would dramatize the unthinkable, to an all-too-thinkable vision of some day looming soon.

"24" is a wildly idealized view of our nation's response to the threat of terrorism on our soil, yet -- even within the series' tidy 24-hour window -- it has thus far withheld easy answers and happy endings. Jack Bauer, the nation's point man for homeland security, is valiant but steadily unraveling.

So "24" triumphs as a series it surely never set out to be: an exceptional adventure about lowered expectations. Its message is clear: Prevailing is too much for a nation to hope for. At the end of the day, endurance will have to do.

WWJBD?

What Would Jack Bauer Do?

Watch frickin 24!

Yes, it starts TONIGHT, 8 pm ET, 7 pm CT....... And it's 2 hours of Jack Bauer getting back from China, re-acclimating to life, and then starting a season of terrorist shredding galore!

And expect CAIR to take issue with terrorist cells and suicide bombers who just happen to be Muslim.

And after that, expect some stupid convoluted BS about evil corporate America and a treacherous VP or White House Administration boss......

But, til then, ENJOY!

Barbara Boxer: I won't apologize! She's childless after all!

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,243359,00.html

Well, thanks California for giving us another ninny for Senator. This time, Barbara Boxer more or less scolds Secretary Rice for not having children or a family and how dare she empathize with the troops and their sacrifices. This from Boxer, who has NO relatives serving in Iraq, and who has voted AGAINST those same troops funding at every turn. Thanks California. Thanks for nothing.

Boxer might as well have said this:

Well, how dare you question me! Do you know who I know? Heh, you have no kids! You have no family! Only liberals with kids and families can dare talk about Iraq with expertise. Anyone else, shut up! You're not important, I am! You're not good Americans! I'm better! F-ck with me and the Speaker and you're gonna face an audit! We're Californians! We're better than you! So F-ck off, Butterfly McQueen! F-ck you and your Uncle Tom stance! Be a free minded Kapo, oops, Kalifornian like mois!

Come on Babs, have the guts to say what you REALLY MEAN.

Ah, if TV could read her hideous thoughts.

And if this had been a GOP Senator scolding a lady like this, there'd be effigies of them burning all over Cali, and no doubt The View hypocrites would shake their heads and fake self-righteousness.

Hiatus from politics is over, you liberals are toooooooooast!

For Saddam's Sympathizers, Check Out Dis Shit

OK, the usual morons and terrorist supporters are denouncing Saddam's hanging, albeit no different then when Mussolini or Herr Streicher and Kaltenbrunner were executed after WWII.

To those of you crying for him, check out this link. This is the shit he did to his own people. These are Saddam's favorite methods of execution and torture. Warning: This shit is graphic, so don't view this on a full stomach or too late at night.....

http://fdd.typepad.com/fdd/2006/01/alert_saddams_c.html

Happy New Year, Folks

Well, no pontificating, no major news, just wishing y'all a happy new year. It will be an interesting one, that's a guarantee.