Not So Young But Angry Conservatives Unite

Getting sick of the progressively worse slant and obvious bias of the media? Got booted out of other sites for offending too many liberals? Make this your home. If you SPAM here, you're gone. Trolling? Gone. Insult other posters I agree with. Gone. Get the pic. Private sanctum, private rules. No Fairness Doctrine and PC wussiness tolerated here..... ECCLESIASTES 10:2- The heart of the wise inclines to the right, but the heart of a fool to the left.

Thursday, April 27, 2006


OK, let's take a break from politics and 24 watching to remember this. There is some Sh-tty music out there, and here is the opportunity to rip it up.....

First, CNN had it's own take on craptacular, and eggsucks-ite music.....

On there rates many songs from 1974- WTF were they smoking.
"The Night Chicago Died?" "Seasons in the Sun," and 76 was not better "Afternoon Delight" Oh My God what a messed decade. Before my time, thank God. Sad to think these choades shared the same decade with coolness like Lynard Skynard, Paul McCartney, The Stones, War, and others. Sigh.

But, if you check this list, the bitch brigade has it in for the 80s and country. Wow, interesting take from The Village Voice types. Although, on many songs, these fools were dead on....

Although, these lists and folks both miss out on this startling fact. The late 1990s and early 2000s had the worst and most untalented freaks on earth.

Here are some of them.....

Britney Spears, The Backstreet Boys, N Sync, Jadakiss, techno crap, etc....... yes even Coldplay and John Mayer had some sucko songs......

Here are my all time LEAST FAVORITE SONGS.....

Chime in, if you have some to add or tear into.....

10. She Bangs- Ricky Martin- thanks for inspiring that Chinese dude to sing so bad, you assclown!
9. Toxic- Britney Spears- now she's had a child and there's another generation of this crap!
8. Ashlee Simpson lipsyncing anything- she's more irritating than her sis Daisy, and less talented. She's the Milli Vanilli of my generation- gag.
7. Our Love Will Go On- Celine Dion- could anyone sing such an inane song any longer? Nope, this Canadian made you wanna clap when The Titanic sank and you had a frozen Jack-sicle and Rose cried.....
6. Seasons in the Sun- annoying 70s tune, get the F outta my head, now!
5. By By By- The Backstreet Boys, Backdoor boys, etc..... Manufactured pop. You boys suck....
4. N Sync- anything- clones of the Backstreet boys, unoriginal and worse than their inspiration.
3. Most 70s songs- excluding hard rock- Afternoon Delight? Grease? Disco? WTF were you kids shooting up, snorting, and smoking then?
2. Achy Brakey Heart- yeah, Billy Ray, you made country look Cheesy. Wish Johnny Cash had whooped your ass for that!
1. Madonna- her recent crap- Music, new stuff, now she's sporting a Brit accent. Why did she not stay in retirement.

Say what you may about Babs politics, she didn't make the list, here. But she's in the top 20 or so.

Now here are some faves of mine......

10. Anything by the Rolling Stones- 1964-1980- their heyday, Paint It Black, Time Is On My Side, Satisfaction, Sympthay for the Devil, awww yeah.
9. Lynard Skynard- tie- Sweet Home Alabama, Free Bird, and Tuesdays Gone. RIP Ronnie Van Zandt.
8. Metallica- Enter Sandman, One, Unforgiven, Hero Of the Day- good hard rockers from my decade.....
7. The Beatles- Hard Days Night to Back in the USSR to Let It Be, consistently good.
6. Paul McCartney- proof that a solo career does work for some, but not all. Live and Let Die, Jet, Freedom- all good songs.
5. Ray Charles- Tell Me What I Said, Georgia On My Mind, and other classics.
4. Frank Sinatra- the Chairman had so many hits, where do I start?
3. Johnny Cash- The Man in Black, Ring of Fire, Folsom Prison Blues, Walk The Line, Boy Named Sue, Hurt.....
2. U2- old stuff, new, very good.....
1. Stevie Ray Vaughan..... blues and rock, very nice....

Monday, April 24, 2006

24 Update

OK, this may be more along what is deserving of the Bauer Website, which rocks by the way.

Bauer is with S4GF, and she's feeling woozier than Ted Kennedy at schnapps night. Audrey is pale, well more albino than she usually is. "I'm sorry, it's all my fault," she whines. Jack gives her the "No crap, it IS your fault," look. But Bauer calls Chloe and Chiggy Killer. Chloe is hooking up a laptop to Chiggy's Plasma TV. When Chloe's done, they'll play Doom later. So Jack gets Chloe to track down Roboslug. Life's good, right?

Wrong. Back at the Presidential Retreat, aka Kamp Krusty, Limpdick Nixon is plotting more and more chicanery. He's on the phone with Roboslug, who DID NOT kill Jack Bauer. "This makes me very angry," Limpdick says into his phone in a Marvin Martian tone. So President Weasel hangs up and tells Henderson to come to his camphouse on Brokeback Mountain and enjoy the evening.

All the while, Secretary Heller is driving back and is steamed. 'Fire me will you! Act like I'm Donald frickin Rumsfeld, you dicks!' He calls dead DOD guy in the hangar, and Jack picks up. Jack pulls a Jerky Boys and answers- 'No this isn't Anonymous lacky, he's dead, since you didn't trust me, Thumbs! Man, Chuck Norris wouldn't have done this to me!' "Well, EXCUUUUUUUUSE MEEEEE!" Heller protests, but drives faster to meet Jack and his bleeding heart, bleeding arm daughter.

Back at CTU, Frau Blucher (neigh goes the horses), and DHS Dick are still tracking Chloe, and DHS still won't own up to being the 2nd F-up at CTU to lose his card. First Lynn, which caused the gas attack that claimed poor Truffle Shuffle, now Dick looses his card and the number for Heath Ledger he had written down. Well, there goes Dick's camping for the weekend. So DHS Dick is trying to take credit for Jack not being heard from. Blucher is suspicious that President Limpdick would take her folks off the case. Something's rotten here in LA, and it's not George Clooney's writing for once. Blucher is not so gung ho on nailing Jack. Like she had a shot, right?

Back at Chiggy's house, Chloe and Chiggy track down Jack's car, and help Jack hunt down Henderson, who's right infront. So, Bauer turned off his lights, then flashes them ala Gang Initiation and runs Roboslug off the Road, Gran Turismo and Twisted Metal Style. Roboslug shoots at Jack, and misses horribly. So he limps and limps, and Jack has Roboslug, and the recording. All's good? Not so fast.

Back at Saruman's Suite, aka Limpdick's Compound, President Weasel gets a call from a little bald guy with glasses. He looks like Dr. Rocket Romano from ER, but he's just Dr Evil for now. Dr Evil, Scott, The Frau, Number two, and other lackeys are plotting an unknown plan to take over the world. Oh no, it's those evil bastards at Halliburton (cue LOTR music when Saruman The White tells the Orcs to tear up Middle Earth). President Weasel brags at kicking Chuck Norris ass and Heller, but Dr Evil sniffs it out. "You didn't take care of your wife. Did you? THat makes me angry. And when that makes me angry, that upsets Mr. Bigglesworth. And when that upsets Mr. Bigglesworth, PEOPLE DIIIIIIIE!" Too bad Dr Evil hit the button and killed some minions. Eh, more loot says I. Evil says, "Now, Mr. President, do to your wife, what Bill should have done to Hillary. SHUT HER THE F UP! And get that Jerky Boys Recording of Palmer, you frickin lacky! Do it, or I'll send, FAT BASTARD!" President hangs up and summons Mary Todd. Mary Todd doesn't believe that Red Foreman, her cuddly agent slice of man is transferred. He's been transferred to the basement, with Milton, killing cockroaches, we hope. Mary Todd is ushered into a room and locked up. She picks up phones, none work, which is shocking in a secluded soundproof room. Watch a 007 Movie Mary Todd, you med takin freak!

Back to Jack and S4GF. Jack is beating on Roboslug. Slug says, "Hey, lemme talk on my phone, or Secretary Thumbs dies, unless you lemme take The Jerky Boys tape I made!" Jacks calls Secretary Thumbs and weeps that this man won't be his father in law. The Secretary is being chased by a helicopter with guys with big guns, dammit! Secretary Mad As Hell yells back- Don't you let him get that recording! That's Logan's stained Purple Dress, dammit! You get that to the right people! That's an order, Mister! Jack doesn't cry, but hears Secretary Heller guns his car hoping the 1400 jigawatts and the Flux Capacitor that Dr. Brown installed will rev up and he can DO THE TIME WARP, again. Heller remembers its not a DeLorean he's in but a damn fuel efficient sedan, and drives off the cliff and into water. Could Secretary Thumbs be alive? Who knows? But a lacky in the helicopter laughs- HAHA, like Nelson Muntz and they fly off. Jack hears this and is ready to kill Roboslug, but still needs him to corroborate the Jerky Boys recordings.

Back at CTU, Frau Blucher is chewing out the ditzy redhead for Chloe getting by. Redhead tells her that Chloe left and PResident Limpdick is out to get everyone! Rubbish, Red says. Blucher then puts two and two together. OH CRAP, THE PREZ IS NUTS! So, she laughs at Red for Chloe calling her basket case and calls for DHS Dick to find Bauer before the Roboslugs do.

JAck is beating on Henderson, like Ike Turner on Tina, but no recording! Dammit! Chloe calls Jack, and tells him that while you were wasting time saving Albino Girlfriend with a tornequet, Roboslug handed off the Jerky Boys tapes to an unknown accomplice. That accomplice is boarding a plane! At the airport Jack and them just left. Jack says, Honey I gotta kill some folks so you dad didn't die in vain. But, do not kill Chris. I know you wanna show him your piece of flair, and a clip of ammo into his face, but we need this turd to not be flushed. S4GF relents, but she's eyeing that gun now.

Jack calls and finds out Token is out there, not taking full orders from Frau Blucher and DHS Dick, whose still kicking Edgar's now rigor mortised corpse. Token is told, meet me, at.... cut to commercial!

Back at the Cabin, Limpdick is trying to tell his wife, he did the terrorism and everything for the good of the country. This turns her off faster than Michael Moore dancing in a thong. Limpdick does get Mary Todd to agree not to blow the whistle on him. "I'll keep quiet for the country, but no more nookie for you, EVER!" So Limpdick calls Dr Evil and the Frau and tells them he's done good. Dr Evil agrees, looking at the others using a right hand gesture and laughing.

Back at the hideout with Roboslug, Roboslug is goading Audrey the Albino into killing him, or get close enough to be killed. Audrey, remember Tony and what happened! Audrey is about to shoot Roboslug, as Nelson Muntz and the others land in their helo. "Shut up! Shut the F Up!" She takes the gun, flicks off Chochkie's guy, Roboslug, Here's me expressing myself, here's your flair right here! Just as she goes into another room, Muntz, Jimbo and Kearney look for Audrey. They find her, alright. Then they see Token and a SWAT Team. They get the Sonny Corleone 21 machine gun salute, to their faces, and they get Roboslug. Audrey lives, and Token got CTU to represent.

Back at CTU, DHS Dick tracks down Chloe, to get Heath's number back and crows about his success. Frau Blucher is overcome with guilt over firing Chiggy Killer and warns Chig that another SWAT unit is heading your way, tell Chloe and Shaft Jr. to get out, NOW! Wait, Chloe yells! I got the plane's list uploading! Damn stupid dial up! Why is it this slow?

Jack is sneaking into the airport, humming the Mission Impossible theme. He sees lots of cars unloading their diplomats onto the jet plane. British, check. Frenchies, SPIT, check. Germans, Scheissekopfs, checken! Wait, one of those illegal parking pieces of crap has the Jerky Boys tapes! Oh it's on, like Donkey Kong, yells jack as he puts his hood on and manbag to go crunk on the plane.

Back at Brokeback Mountain, Mary Todd is walking to go to her own bedroom and talks to Cheney clone, Mike Novick. He's tired and upset, since The Bobs and Lumbergh fired him, but now he hears Limpdick has been playing him for a fool! Now that bald man is piiiiiiissed! Mike calls Frau Blucher, who's warned Chig to leave.

Jack gets onto the plane, hidden in the luggage, and crawling out like Ace Ventura out of the mechanical rhino, he's ready to do some bad stuff.....

To be continued.

Friday, April 21, 2006


Well, well, well, the US is getting the screw job of a lifetime. Whom do we thank for this? Can we say, the scumbag energy traders inflating prices for their fees and commissions? These punks are worse than those anti-tort-reform lawyers who wanna sue to the skies. Screw em. Not regularly do I advocate more government intervention, as it may not do crap for good, but is someone gonna step in and halt the frickin price-gouging? What will it take? Dragging out every oil CEO and trader out by their nice collared neck and making them drop the price, with the threat of an angry mob? Maybe up the ante on their cost of living, not ours. Deflate those golden parachutes? I am for business and free market, but these bastards are taking advantage of it. If regular business is alluded to as kiss and tell, the oil companies have to be committing gang rape on live TV. And no one seems to be doing anything. Neither party has a solution, do you?

Here's some of the prices of gas.....

$4.06 in Beverly Hills, CA.

$3.89 in Indianapolis, IN.

N/A. in New York, they're bone dry, ran out.

$3.29 in Houston, TX.

And we're the CHEAP COUNTRY, God knows how bad it is in Europe.......

Here's the gas prices in TX.


Should read.....

REGULAR UNLEADED: Pint of your blood
UNLEADED PLUS: Your kidney
SUPREME UNLEADED: Firstborn child

Tuesday, April 18, 2006


OK, here's what happened last night, between 12am and 1 am (tick tock, tick tock)

Audrey is at the airport and hugs Daddy Heller, aka Badass Secretary Heller.
Hugs and kisses- awwwwwwwwww.

Meanwhile Logan calls Frau Blucher and tells her SWAT goons to stand down so his military can take down, ahem, take care of, shoot! Dispatch. Oh heck, kill Bauer. Novick overhears this and is suspicious. Frau Blucher says this is BS. DHS Dick grins and says its fine. Even VP Martial Law says this is all very odd.

Back to Casablanca, Audrey talks to dad and he protests- What recording? The Duke Lacrosse Team? The President incompetent? I thought that was limited to Democrats? Sheeyit, well now I gotta come out of the shadows and use my thumb of death on him. Sweeeet.
Jack arrives to meet his ole bud Heller, who uses the thumb on pain on Jack. Wow! An old guy took down Jack Bauer, frickin sweet! I thought it was gonna be Chuck Norris who could do that. Heller has Jack and Audrey tied up, kinky. But wants them quiet so he can either share a Brokeback moment with Logan or use the thumb of death on LimpDick Nixon also. Heller's off and Jack and Audrey are bound together with a lone sentry watching and munching on popcorn- this is cool!

Back at CTU- Frau Blucher and DHS Dick are planning a meeting to see if Audrey is scanning the net at work, and of course helping Jack. Schizo Redhead chick helps. Chloe is set up, and inadvertently helps DHS find Jack. Blucher (neighs) calls Chloe in for a meeting with Bob and Bob. Chloe protests- You can't fire me! My job is to manage the goddang customers! I'm good with people can't you see that! So DHS uses his Jump To Conclusions Mat and gets Chloe put into solitary. Chloe and DHS Dick go at it, she touches his shoulder- best thrill he's gotten ever, but ganks his security card. So, she walks out, past Bill Lumberg and Milton and leaves Initech, aka CTU.

Heller is driving to the Presidential Compound and calls Duke at GI Joe. Duke says there is no orders for him to hunt down Bauer. Heller guns it and runs down Frankenstein in a Death Race fashion headin to Brokedick Mountain.

Meanwhile Henderson is talking with Logan, who is now cornered by Cheney Clone Novick. Novick hasn't gotten his sleep or his ring back, so Saruman is pissed. Novick dares to challenge LimpDick, but LD brushes him off. Novick goes back for either a catnap or to get a Glock. Martha asks about the noise and she rubs up against Red Pierce. Awwww. Logan saw this. How dare someone rub up on Pat, ahem, Martha like that! He must die!

Meanwhile Jack and Audrey rub up and Jack burns his wrist but gets out of the gladlock handcuffs dispatching popcorn boy- wow this is a free show! OW! My teeth! Thud.

Chloe sneaks out and drives to Buchanan, who also has Shaft Jr. staying with him. No one dares asks, where the hell is Cola at? Where is Curtis anyway? Sheesh, major plothole.

Meanwhile Dr Evil, aka President Logan, tells Secretary Heller this is all about oil and Halliburton. Heller yells, "Suck it up and drive a hybrid you pussy!" Logan yells back, "I hate hybrids, ever since Mr. Broslovsky, Kyle's Dad got one, he's been a dick! I am not a dick! I will drive my gas guzzlin SUV, and will make sure gas is cheap for it, so screw! Screw the spotted owl! And screw those twits who won't let me drill in ANWR!" Heller is about to slap him, when the goon squad walks in. But where's Pierce at? And where is Novick at?

Jack and Audrey get free just in time for Jack to shoot down and blow up half of Roboslug's goons. But Roboslug gets Audrey and cuts an atery and will let Audrey die, if Jack doesn't give up the Lacrosse Team Tape. Jack gives in. DAMN HIM! Jack didn't see SPEED, which is a shame. Shooting Audrey would have freaked out Henderson and got him distracted for a while and to keep the recording! Chuck Norris wouldn't have let that happen!

Heller manages to tell off Logan and threatens to expose his use of Viagra. Logan says, what tape, as Roboslug calls him. Logan goes AHA! And Heller leaves pissed, but no doubt has an extra ace up his sleeve.

Meanwhile Martha meets Red by the Gazeebo, kicking out Wolfgang and the VonTrapp Daughter. Red's phone is ringing, but where is Red?

To be continued......

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Pre-Emptive Smear Job

Well, well, the lefties are drawing first blood.....

Apparently, some so-called concerned citizen decided to make a film about "the real Rudy Guiliani." Rudy is known as the Mayor on 9/11, the man who helped clean up New York, but this film would have you believe he was the devil incarnate.

Yes, Rudy did cheat on his wife. Yes, he did get abrasive. However, does that merit the new nicknames, Nazi Guiliani, Racist Rudy, and Il Duce De New York? To the self-righteous Village Voice, aka Brokeback Gazette, it does. Oddly enough, Rudy never waged war on same-sex folks, but some of his biggest critics are same-sex types.

Rudy is also expected to be shown as an uncaring racist for the NYPD shooting of Amidou Diallo and the NYPD torture of Patrick Doresmond. Diallo, shot several times, was shot at night, thought to be holding a gun. Doresmond, sodomized and beaten by cops. Did Rudy order that? Al Sharpton and Louis Farrahkhan thought so. Oddly enough, despite all this, Rudy was still a popular mayor.

Rudy isn't running in 2008, that we know of. He has not announced candidacy for the NY Senate, let alone President. Why the pre-emptive strike?

Simple, Rudy would be likely to be ran, as most of the GOP has no-names. Rudy like it or not is moderate enough to get a majority of the vote. He was a conservative on terrorism, law enforcement, and the war in Iraq. Guiliani is moderate on education, spending, and on same-sex unions. Why strike him? If he ran, he could win. OR, second reason, Hillary still has a score to settle and while not directly implicated, she probably gave a subtle blessing to smear Rudy. No one crosses Madame Hillary and fares too well, ask Vince Foster.

Well, all this can do is probably strengthen Rudy and alienate the majority from these whackjobs. Smear away, you losers. Your Michael Moore worked soooooo well in getting Bush unseated, oh wait, he won.

Desperate much?

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

24 UPDATE: Blogs4Bauer Style


Here's Der Summarie..... Ja.

11:00:00 to 11:12:33

In our country's darkest day, Jack Bauer knows the president is a traitor, but will he live long enough to expose him. I'm thinkin', yeah, probably. He did just sign for three more seasons.

President Weasel is chewing out Biff Henderson. "This is all going wrong. This was supposed to make our country safer. And you screwed it up by assassinating David Palmer." "Oh, yeah," Biff answers. "Well, you screwed it up by being ugly, so there." They agree that the only way to salvage what's left of their conspiracy is to make sure Jack Bauer doesn't live long enough to expose them. Jack and Shaft Palmer (a.k.a. Bacardi and Kahlua) are on the road again with MTAB and her daughter, Last week, Evelyn's young daughter was rescued. And Homeland Security agents managed to post pictures of her to the internet with unbelievable speed. They're good at that sort of thing. Anyway, MTAB has proof of the president's involvement hidden in a safe deposit box at a bank along with a small toy plane. MTAB was wounded in last week's climactic shoot-out, but her HMO will only cover a stay at a Motel 6, so they can't take her to the hospital. Martian Law remains in effect and Military checkpoints are making it hard for Jack and Shaft to get to the box. The military checkpoints are serious business, a dozen communist Italian journalists have already been shot. Jack phones S4GF and asks her to upload to his PDA the location of all the military security checkpoints between them and the bank. Jack checks out MTAB's bullet wound. "It's all ooky," Jack says. "We should clean this out." "No, I'm good," MTAB says. "I've been shot lots of times. I'm from New Jersey." Jack and Shaft move on, figuring she'll be safe while they get to the bank and get the evidence. After all, when does anything bad ever happen to someone who helped out Jack Bauer?

Frau Blucher asks HLS Dick why everything is running behind schedule at CTU. HLS Dick tells her that it's because all the HLS people are too busy chatting in "GovAgent4YngGirls" chat rooms. Frau Blucher is having doubts about whether taking over CTU was the right thing to do, given that Truffle Shuffle's pr0n stash was not nearly as extensive as their psyche profile suggested. Also, with no levees in Los Angeles to demolish, she's a little unsure what Homeland Security is supposed to be doing. Then she gets a call from President Weasel. "Hey Frau Blucher (whinnies) How's it goin'? Good, listen, I'm issuing a presdiential executive order to arrest Jack Bauer." Frau Blucher sighs "What is that, the third time today someone ordered Jack arrested and brought it?" Weasel doesn't know. "Third or fourth, I lose track. Anyway, be a doll and don't let anyone know it came from me, 'kay?" "Um, where else would a presidential executive order come from, sir?" "Uh... Hillary?" "OK, Gotcha."

11:16:55 to 11:27:42

Jack and Shaft are driving in their Volkswagen Jetta, listening to lame German techno. They spot an old chair someone has left out and put it in the car, but it smells foul, so they dump it off again. As they drive down the street, it begins to rain, and the action on the street seems to synch with the song they listen to on the radio. "That was weird," Jack says. Anyway, they pull up to the bank, and Jack gives Shaft a gun. "What do we need these for?" Shaft asks. Jack answers, "Hello. Bank heist. Is this your first time or something" As a warmup to the bank job, they decide to home invade a suburban household just as the husband and wife are snuggling in bed getting ready to watch Leno's monologue. ("Hey! How 'bout that terrorist attack at the airport? Did you hear about this? I heard one guy got blown up by a cell phone. I wonder how many rollover minutes you get for that?") Jack and Shaft need the bank president to get into the bank. He is an unassuming middle-aged man who loves his still sexually appealing wife. We'll call him Deadmeat, Jack threatens to blow the bank guy's head off if he doesn't help him get into the vault. When that doesn't work, he points the gun at his wife's head. She gets unbelievably turned on and her husband agrees to help rather than lose her to JB. Deadmeat begins pulling on his pants. "Don't worry honey, I'll be fine. I'm just three days from retirement, and after My son, Bill Deadmeat Jr, graduates from High School next month, we'll have nothing left but to enjoy the rest of our lives together."

Meanwhile, S4GF calls her Daddy, the SecDef, President Hayes from Stargate, you know, that guy. He's on a private jet, on his way back from visiting his son on Brokeback Mountain. S4GF asks him, "Daddy, could you make your plane fly to Los Angeles so we can talk. It's like, really, really important, you know." Of course, he can not refuse, "Anything for you, pumpkin."

Meanwhile, S4GF is being tailed by a couple HLS nitwits displaying all the competence for which the Department of Homeland Security is renowned. Seems Frau Blucher decided the best way to find Jack Bauer would be to follow Audrey. Personally, I would have just followed the trail of bullet-riddled corpses, but like I said, HLS competence. S4GF stops for gas, pulls out a walkie talkie, and with help from Chloe, finds the tracking device hidden in the most obvious possible place. Then, she looks around for someplace to stick it. Fortunately, a large truck pulls in and the large truck driver's waistband is riding low enough for S4GF to wedge it between his ass cheeks.

Anyway, back at the Motel 6, MTAB's little girl finds her hands all bloody and goes to the bathroom to wash it all off, but it won't come clean. "All the perfumes of Arabia will not sweeten this little hand," she laments. MTAB is shocked to hear her little girl quoting Shakespeare and promptly passes out. So, the little girl calls 911. "My mommy's fallen... and she can't get up..." 911 responds, "To proceed in English, Press 1, para continuar en espanol, oprima numero dos..." Of course, the call is intercepted by Biff Henderson. who has been listening in on all the 911 calls taking place in Los Angeles during a state of emergency. Alec Baldwin alone has called 911 a hundred and thirty seven times asking where his car keys are. (Behind the couch, dumbass). Anyway, now he knows where MTAB and his little girl are.

11:32:04 to 11:38:42

Cool. On opening, we get an all-chick Wild Wild West screen. Frau Blucher, Little Girl, S4GF, and MTAB. Anyway, President Weasel is giving a press conference taking credit for thwarting the terrorists. "First, I blew up a terrorisst at the Ontario Airport using my cell phone. Then, I caught the guys who assassinated David Palmer. But there was also sadness. My daughter informed me she never wants to see me again... " Mary Todd watches the Press Conference with Red Foreman. "That's my man," she says. "What a dumbass," Red Foreman mutters.

Bacardi and Kahlua have swapped their Jetta for a Toyota SUV. As they pull over to the side of the road, a quarter mile from the bank, Jack sees that Red Foreman is calling. He tells Jack about the executive order for his arrest, but otherwise does not advance the plot. Then, Jack escorts Deadmeat across the street, sees an Army patrol, and shoves him into the dirt.

Less than a minute later, they are at the bank. Jack once again has his man purse. Perhaps that is where he keeps the device that allows him to fold space-time. Deadmeat puts in the code and gets them into the bank, and then writes the 12 digit code down for Jack so he can get into the vault. "Wait a minute," Mr. Bank says. "You're Shaft Palmer." "Damn right" Shaft answers. "They say you're a bad..." "Shut yo' mouth..." and so forth. Deadmeat figures if robbing a bank is good enough for David Palmer's brother, it's good enough for him.

Meanwhile, MTAB is coming around. Just in time to see iff Henderson shoot the two EMT's, who despite answering an emergency call to a motel in an iffy neighborhood were not wearing body armor. "Where's Bauer" Biff demands. "In Bavaria, near Heidelberg?" MTAB guesses. Little Girl screams. We are spared what happens next, but it's probably not good.

Note to parents: This is why you should never teach your kids to use 911.

11:43:37 to 11:51:08

Mary Todd curls up to President Weasel. "You were magnificent today. I'm so impressed, I've completely forgotten that you tried to have me committed this morning and then tried to get me killed with the Russian president." Whoa. Can you say "codependent enabler." Cheese Louise, no wonder President Weasel is such a schmuck. Soon, they begin making out. No one wants to see that. Then, the phone starts ringing. "I gotta take this call." Its Biff Henderson. "We've got Bauer's location. My men and I are headed there now. Do you know where Heidelberg is?"

Meanwhile, HLS Dick reports that Audrey rains has been found again and dispatches her crack team to find her. Meanwhile, Anita Hill approaches Chloe. "Hey, someone has locked me out of satellite control. It would have to be someone who is completely knowledgeable of all CTU satellite control protocols who also survived the gas attack. Can you think of who it could be?" "Um... Edgar?" Chloe guesses. "He died in the gas attack," Anita Hill reminds her. "Oh, yeah... I'm going to the bathroom."

Meanwhile, Jack is exploring the vault. Mostly, it contains minutiea related to Jerry and Elaine that George was never supposed to tell anyone. Then, Jack pulls the recorder out of the safe deposit box. Jack plays the recording. "Biff, I am behind all the terrorist activity today," says President Weasel. "And I shot David Palmer," Biff says right back. "That's right, also, I'm wearing my wife's underwear," Weasel goes on. "And I like the smell of my own farts," Biff tells him. Weasel continues, "I just plain don't like black people," Jack switches off the recorder. "We've got him now." Or, maybe not. As they are about to leave the bank, they notice that Biff Henderson's men have surrounded the bank. This gives Jack an idea. "Hey, imagine this Fight Club scenario. A bunch of Biff Henderson's para-military goons against the LA SWAT Team. Who would win?" "Would Ana Lucia be on the SWAT Team," Shaft asks. "Let's find out," Jack says. He has Bank President Deadmeat trip the silent alarm.

11:55:34 to 11:59:59

Chloe is back in the computer hallway, listening to really whack gangster lounge music, complete with a cool Peter Gunn style guitar riff. I like it. She scrambles the feed from the server. HLS Dick notices that Chloe is not at her desk.He encounters Chloe outside the Women's Room. Meanwhile, at the bank, Jack is also Jammin' to the Peter Gunn crime scene music. He tells Deadmeat to get into the vault where he'll be safe. "No, Jack, with you covering me, what could go wrong?" Biff Henderson's goon squad is about to light up on Jack, when a couple of cop cars pull up. Biff's bloodlust will not be denied. "We can't let them get Bauer. Take them out." The goons open up on the cops. The cops open up on the goons. Jack, Shaft, and Deadmeat open up on the goons. Then the Army shows up and opens up on everybody with a fifty cal. That takes out a lot of Biff Henderson's men. Also Deadmeat.Naturally. But Jack gets away. And he calls S4GF. "We've got the evidence. No doubt it's Weasel. We're going to take down the President... sometime in the next seven hours."

BRAVO to the Blogs4Bauer poster on this funny as crap summary.

Visit their site, too.

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Tater's Words of Wisdom

Ron White, aka Tater Salad, may be a comedian, but he's funny and usually right.....

Men and Women, take my advice, don't marry for looks alone. Cause when Barb's boobs start to sag, you can get em done and raised, move the nipple round and all that. Heck, you can go to a boob joint and say, "I want those titties on that one!" It's nice, I know. You can get the wife to get her tummy tucked, like a cheerleader. Heck, her hearing goes bad, there's a device you can plant for perfect hearing. And if her eyes go out, there's lasic that gives you perfect 20/20 vision. But in all my time, in all my experience, "You Can't Fix STUPID."


One time I was watching a shootout live on CNN, and it went on so long that eventually the criminal shot himself. And the cops are complaining by saying, "He's got on body armor, he's got on body armor." And I thinking, "I can see his head. Shoot him in the fuckin' head."


Ron White: Some friends of mine asked me if I wanted to go to a strip club, and I didn't... want to. 'Cause, back me up on this, fellas: once you've seen one woman naked, you... wanna see the rest of 'em naked.


Well, as you suspect Jack Bauer survives the gasworks explosion. Explosions don't kill Jack, like Mongo in Blazing Saddles, they just make him madder. Bauer is towing crispy Russian Vladimir Bierko, aka Vlad The Impaler. Jack and Curtis, aka Bacardi and Cola, reunite, hug and Jack is on the phone with Chiggy Killer, aka Buchanan. Buchanan, Audrey, Chloe, and the new hot Redhead are happy. Frau Blucher and Insensitive DHS Bastard are not. They want someone to blame for their lack of work. CTU and Buchanan are it, and the Vice President gives DHS Blucher his blessing.

Meanwhile at the retreat Red and Keith Palmer are back in the house, safe and sound and bump into Martha Logan's Secretary, Rosemary Woods. Woods has the goods on what got Palmer killed, but won't give it. Her kid is kidnapped by Roboslug and she cannot give it unless she wants her kid dead. Shaft Jr. calls Jack, the perfect child savior. Hey, he's had practice saving Kim from countless boneheaded stunts.

Back at CTU Blucher and Bastard get Audrey to sign a statement blaming Chiggy for the CTU deaths and attacks today. God forbid they mention Lynn McGill or the other twits. As DHS is absorbing CTU, Chloe may lose her job. Then Jack calls and needs a satellite so he can save the kid, get Henderson and the info that got David Palmer killed. He calls Audrey, getting her to sign the statement, only if they can keep Chloe to retask a satellite.

They do it, and Jack kills lots of guys. Palmer's bro kills a guy, finally. Make a long story short Roboslug escapes, Rosemary is wounded, and the bad guys are still loose.

We think it's the Vice President, and he's going to talk to his Fuhrer, but President Limpdick Nixon is on the phone with Henderson and orders HIM to kill Bauer, and if not, will have his own military do it. It's martial law and accidents happen.

Awwwww sheeeeyit.

Now it's gettin Good.