24 Update
OK, this may be more along what is deserving of the Bauer Website, which rocks by the way.
Bauer is with S4GF, and she's feeling woozier than Ted Kennedy at schnapps night. Audrey is pale, well more albino than she usually is. "I'm sorry, it's all my fault," she whines. Jack gives her the "No crap, it IS your fault," look. But Bauer calls Chloe and Chiggy Killer. Chloe is hooking up a laptop to Chiggy's Plasma TV. When Chloe's done, they'll play Doom later. So Jack gets Chloe to track down Roboslug. Life's good, right?
Wrong. Back at the Presidential Retreat, aka Kamp Krusty, Limpdick Nixon is plotting more and more chicanery. He's on the phone with Roboslug, who DID NOT kill Jack Bauer. "This makes me very angry," Limpdick says into his phone in a Marvin Martian tone. So President Weasel hangs up and tells Henderson to come to his camphouse on Brokeback Mountain and enjoy the evening.
All the while, Secretary Heller is driving back and is steamed. 'Fire me will you! Act like I'm Donald frickin Rumsfeld, you dicks!' He calls dead DOD guy in the hangar, and Jack picks up. Jack pulls a Jerky Boys and answers- 'No this isn't Anonymous lacky, he's dead, since you didn't trust me, Thumbs! Man, Chuck Norris wouldn't have done this to me!' "Well, EXCUUUUUUUUSE MEEEEE!" Heller protests, but drives faster to meet Jack and his bleeding heart, bleeding arm daughter.
Back at CTU, Frau Blucher (neigh goes the horses), and DHS Dick are still tracking Chloe, and DHS still won't own up to being the 2nd F-up at CTU to lose his card. First Lynn, which caused the gas attack that claimed poor Truffle Shuffle, now Dick looses his card and the number for Heath Ledger he had written down. Well, there goes Dick's camping for the weekend. So DHS Dick is trying to take credit for Jack not being heard from. Blucher is suspicious that President Limpdick would take her folks off the case. Something's rotten here in LA, and it's not George Clooney's writing for once. Blucher is not so gung ho on nailing Jack. Like she had a shot, right?
Back at Chiggy's house, Chloe and Chiggy track down Jack's car, and help Jack hunt down Henderson, who's right infront. So, Bauer turned off his lights, then flashes them ala Gang Initiation and runs Roboslug off the Road, Gran Turismo and Twisted Metal Style. Roboslug shoots at Jack, and misses horribly. So he limps and limps, and Jack has Roboslug, and the recording. All's good? Not so fast.
Back at Saruman's Suite, aka Limpdick's Compound, President Weasel gets a call from a little bald guy with glasses. He looks like Dr. Rocket Romano from ER, but he's just Dr Evil for now. Dr Evil, Scott, The Frau, Number two, and other lackeys are plotting an unknown plan to take over the world. Oh no, it's those evil bastards at Halliburton (cue LOTR music when Saruman The White tells the Orcs to tear up Middle Earth). President Weasel brags at kicking Chuck Norris ass and Heller, but Dr Evil sniffs it out. "You didn't take care of your wife. Did you? THat makes me angry. And when that makes me angry, that upsets Mr. Bigglesworth. And when that upsets Mr. Bigglesworth, PEOPLE DIIIIIIIE!" Too bad Dr Evil hit the button and killed some minions. Eh, more loot says I. Evil says, "Now, Mr. President, do to your wife, what Bill should have done to Hillary. SHUT HER THE F UP! And get that Jerky Boys Recording of Palmer, you frickin lacky! Do it, or I'll send, FAT BASTARD!" President hangs up and summons Mary Todd. Mary Todd doesn't believe that Red Foreman, her cuddly agent slice of man is transferred. He's been transferred to the basement, with Milton, killing cockroaches, we hope. Mary Todd is ushered into a room and locked up. She picks up phones, none work, which is shocking in a secluded soundproof room. Watch a 007 Movie Mary Todd, you med takin freak!
Back to Jack and S4GF. Jack is beating on Roboslug. Slug says, "Hey, lemme talk on my phone, or Secretary Thumbs dies, unless you lemme take The Jerky Boys tape I made!" Jacks calls Secretary Thumbs and weeps that this man won't be his father in law. The Secretary is being chased by a helicopter with guys with big guns, dammit! Secretary Mad As Hell yells back- Don't you let him get that recording! That's Logan's stained Purple Dress, dammit! You get that to the right people! That's an order, Mister! Jack doesn't cry, but hears Secretary Heller guns his car hoping the 1400 jigawatts and the Flux Capacitor that Dr. Brown installed will rev up and he can DO THE TIME WARP, again. Heller remembers its not a DeLorean he's in but a damn fuel efficient sedan, and drives off the cliff and into water. Could Secretary Thumbs be alive? Who knows? But a lacky in the helicopter laughs- HAHA, like Nelson Muntz and they fly off. Jack hears this and is ready to kill Roboslug, but still needs him to corroborate the Jerky Boys recordings.
Back at CTU, Frau Blucher is chewing out the ditzy redhead for Chloe getting by. Redhead tells her that Chloe left and PResident Limpdick is out to get everyone! Rubbish, Red says. Blucher then puts two and two together. OH CRAP, THE PREZ IS NUTS! So, she laughs at Red for Chloe calling her basket case and calls for DHS Dick to find Bauer before the Roboslugs do.
JAck is beating on Henderson, like Ike Turner on Tina, but no recording! Dammit! Chloe calls Jack, and tells him that while you were wasting time saving Albino Girlfriend with a tornequet, Roboslug handed off the Jerky Boys tapes to an unknown accomplice. That accomplice is boarding a plane! At the airport Jack and them just left. Jack says, Honey I gotta kill some folks so you dad didn't die in vain. But, do not kill Chris. I know you wanna show him your piece of flair, and a clip of ammo into his face, but we need this turd to not be flushed. S4GF relents, but she's eyeing that gun now.
Jack calls and finds out Token is out there, not taking full orders from Frau Blucher and DHS Dick, whose still kicking Edgar's now rigor mortised corpse. Token is told, meet me, at.... cut to commercial!
Back at the Cabin, Limpdick is trying to tell his wife, he did the terrorism and everything for the good of the country. This turns her off faster than Michael Moore dancing in a thong. Limpdick does get Mary Todd to agree not to blow the whistle on him. "I'll keep quiet for the country, but no more nookie for you, EVER!" So Limpdick calls Dr Evil and the Frau and tells them he's done good. Dr Evil agrees, looking at the others using a right hand gesture and laughing.
Back at the hideout with Roboslug, Roboslug is goading Audrey the Albino into killing him, or get close enough to be killed. Audrey, remember Tony and what happened! Audrey is about to shoot Roboslug, as Nelson Muntz and the others land in their helo. "Shut up! Shut the F Up!" She takes the gun, flicks off Chochkie's guy, Roboslug, Here's me expressing myself, here's your flair right here! Just as she goes into another room, Muntz, Jimbo and Kearney look for Audrey. They find her, alright. Then they see Token and a SWAT Team. They get the Sonny Corleone 21 machine gun salute, to their faces, and they get Roboslug. Audrey lives, and Token got CTU to represent.
Back at CTU, DHS Dick tracks down Chloe, to get Heath's number back and crows about his success. Frau Blucher is overcome with guilt over firing Chiggy Killer and warns Chig that another SWAT unit is heading your way, tell Chloe and Shaft Jr. to get out, NOW! Wait, Chloe yells! I got the plane's list uploading! Damn stupid dial up! Why is it this slow?
Jack is sneaking into the airport, humming the Mission Impossible theme. He sees lots of cars unloading their diplomats onto the jet plane. British, check. Frenchies, SPIT, check. Germans, Scheissekopfs, checken! Wait, one of those illegal parking pieces of crap has the Jerky Boys tapes! Oh it's on, like Donkey Kong, yells jack as he puts his hood on and manbag to go crunk on the plane.
Back at Brokeback Mountain, Mary Todd is walking to go to her own bedroom and talks to Cheney clone, Mike Novick. He's tired and upset, since The Bobs and Lumbergh fired him, but now he hears Limpdick has been playing him for a fool! Now that bald man is piiiiiiissed! Mike calls Frau Blucher, who's warned Chig to leave.
Jack gets onto the plane, hidden in the luggage, and crawling out like Ace Ventura out of the mechanical rhino, he's ready to do some bad stuff.....
To be continued.
Bauer is with S4GF, and she's feeling woozier than Ted Kennedy at schnapps night. Audrey is pale, well more albino than she usually is. "I'm sorry, it's all my fault," she whines. Jack gives her the "No crap, it IS your fault," look. But Bauer calls Chloe and Chiggy Killer. Chloe is hooking up a laptop to Chiggy's Plasma TV. When Chloe's done, they'll play Doom later. So Jack gets Chloe to track down Roboslug. Life's good, right?
Wrong. Back at the Presidential Retreat, aka Kamp Krusty, Limpdick Nixon is plotting more and more chicanery. He's on the phone with Roboslug, who DID NOT kill Jack Bauer. "This makes me very angry," Limpdick says into his phone in a Marvin Martian tone. So President Weasel hangs up and tells Henderson to come to his camphouse on Brokeback Mountain and enjoy the evening.
All the while, Secretary Heller is driving back and is steamed. 'Fire me will you! Act like I'm Donald frickin Rumsfeld, you dicks!' He calls dead DOD guy in the hangar, and Jack picks up. Jack pulls a Jerky Boys and answers- 'No this isn't Anonymous lacky, he's dead, since you didn't trust me, Thumbs! Man, Chuck Norris wouldn't have done this to me!' "Well, EXCUUUUUUUUSE MEEEEE!" Heller protests, but drives faster to meet Jack and his bleeding heart, bleeding arm daughter.
Back at CTU, Frau Blucher (neigh goes the horses), and DHS Dick are still tracking Chloe, and DHS still won't own up to being the 2nd F-up at CTU to lose his card. First Lynn, which caused the gas attack that claimed poor Truffle Shuffle, now Dick looses his card and the number for Heath Ledger he had written down. Well, there goes Dick's camping for the weekend. So DHS Dick is trying to take credit for Jack not being heard from. Blucher is suspicious that President Limpdick would take her folks off the case. Something's rotten here in LA, and it's not George Clooney's writing for once. Blucher is not so gung ho on nailing Jack. Like she had a shot, right?
Back at Chiggy's house, Chloe and Chiggy track down Jack's car, and help Jack hunt down Henderson, who's right infront. So, Bauer turned off his lights, then flashes them ala Gang Initiation and runs Roboslug off the Road, Gran Turismo and Twisted Metal Style. Roboslug shoots at Jack, and misses horribly. So he limps and limps, and Jack has Roboslug, and the recording. All's good? Not so fast.
Back at Saruman's Suite, aka Limpdick's Compound, President Weasel gets a call from a little bald guy with glasses. He looks like Dr. Rocket Romano from ER, but he's just Dr Evil for now. Dr Evil, Scott, The Frau, Number two, and other lackeys are plotting an unknown plan to take over the world. Oh no, it's those evil bastards at Halliburton (cue LOTR music when Saruman The White tells the Orcs to tear up Middle Earth). President Weasel brags at kicking Chuck Norris ass and Heller, but Dr Evil sniffs it out. "You didn't take care of your wife. Did you? THat makes me angry. And when that makes me angry, that upsets Mr. Bigglesworth. And when that upsets Mr. Bigglesworth, PEOPLE DIIIIIIIE!" Too bad Dr Evil hit the button and killed some minions. Eh, more loot says I. Evil says, "Now, Mr. President, do to your wife, what Bill should have done to Hillary. SHUT HER THE F UP! And get that Jerky Boys Recording of Palmer, you frickin lacky! Do it, or I'll send, FAT BASTARD!" President hangs up and summons Mary Todd. Mary Todd doesn't believe that Red Foreman, her cuddly agent slice of man is transferred. He's been transferred to the basement, with Milton, killing cockroaches, we hope. Mary Todd is ushered into a room and locked up. She picks up phones, none work, which is shocking in a secluded soundproof room. Watch a 007 Movie Mary Todd, you med takin freak!
Back to Jack and S4GF. Jack is beating on Roboslug. Slug says, "Hey, lemme talk on my phone, or Secretary Thumbs dies, unless you lemme take The Jerky Boys tape I made!" Jacks calls Secretary Thumbs and weeps that this man won't be his father in law. The Secretary is being chased by a helicopter with guys with big guns, dammit! Secretary Mad As Hell yells back- Don't you let him get that recording! That's Logan's stained Purple Dress, dammit! You get that to the right people! That's an order, Mister! Jack doesn't cry, but hears Secretary Heller guns his car hoping the 1400 jigawatts and the Flux Capacitor that Dr. Brown installed will rev up and he can DO THE TIME WARP, again. Heller remembers its not a DeLorean he's in but a damn fuel efficient sedan, and drives off the cliff and into water. Could Secretary Thumbs be alive? Who knows? But a lacky in the helicopter laughs- HAHA, like Nelson Muntz and they fly off. Jack hears this and is ready to kill Roboslug, but still needs him to corroborate the Jerky Boys recordings.
Back at CTU, Frau Blucher is chewing out the ditzy redhead for Chloe getting by. Redhead tells her that Chloe left and PResident Limpdick is out to get everyone! Rubbish, Red says. Blucher then puts two and two together. OH CRAP, THE PREZ IS NUTS! So, she laughs at Red for Chloe calling her basket case and calls for DHS Dick to find Bauer before the Roboslugs do.
JAck is beating on Henderson, like Ike Turner on Tina, but no recording! Dammit! Chloe calls Jack, and tells him that while you were wasting time saving Albino Girlfriend with a tornequet, Roboslug handed off the Jerky Boys tapes to an unknown accomplice. That accomplice is boarding a plane! At the airport Jack and them just left. Jack says, Honey I gotta kill some folks so you dad didn't die in vain. But, do not kill Chris. I know you wanna show him your piece of flair, and a clip of ammo into his face, but we need this turd to not be flushed. S4GF relents, but she's eyeing that gun now.
Jack calls and finds out Token is out there, not taking full orders from Frau Blucher and DHS Dick, whose still kicking Edgar's now rigor mortised corpse. Token is told, meet me, at.... cut to commercial!
Back at the Cabin, Limpdick is trying to tell his wife, he did the terrorism and everything for the good of the country. This turns her off faster than Michael Moore dancing in a thong. Limpdick does get Mary Todd to agree not to blow the whistle on him. "I'll keep quiet for the country, but no more nookie for you, EVER!" So Limpdick calls Dr Evil and the Frau and tells them he's done good. Dr Evil agrees, looking at the others using a right hand gesture and laughing.
Back at the hideout with Roboslug, Roboslug is goading Audrey the Albino into killing him, or get close enough to be killed. Audrey, remember Tony and what happened! Audrey is about to shoot Roboslug, as Nelson Muntz and the others land in their helo. "Shut up! Shut the F Up!" She takes the gun, flicks off Chochkie's guy, Roboslug, Here's me expressing myself, here's your flair right here! Just as she goes into another room, Muntz, Jimbo and Kearney look for Audrey. They find her, alright. Then they see Token and a SWAT Team. They get the Sonny Corleone 21 machine gun salute, to their faces, and they get Roboslug. Audrey lives, and Token got CTU to represent.
Back at CTU, DHS Dick tracks down Chloe, to get Heath's number back and crows about his success. Frau Blucher is overcome with guilt over firing Chiggy Killer and warns Chig that another SWAT unit is heading your way, tell Chloe and Shaft Jr. to get out, NOW! Wait, Chloe yells! I got the plane's list uploading! Damn stupid dial up! Why is it this slow?
Jack is sneaking into the airport, humming the Mission Impossible theme. He sees lots of cars unloading their diplomats onto the jet plane. British, check. Frenchies, SPIT, check. Germans, Scheissekopfs, checken! Wait, one of those illegal parking pieces of crap has the Jerky Boys tapes! Oh it's on, like Donkey Kong, yells jack as he puts his hood on and manbag to go crunk on the plane.
Back at Brokeback Mountain, Mary Todd is walking to go to her own bedroom and talks to Cheney clone, Mike Novick. He's tired and upset, since The Bobs and Lumbergh fired him, but now he hears Limpdick has been playing him for a fool! Now that bald man is piiiiiiissed! Mike calls Frau Blucher, who's warned Chig to leave.
Jack gets onto the plane, hidden in the luggage, and crawling out like Ace Ventura out of the mechanical rhino, he's ready to do some bad stuff.....
To be continued.
posted by NDwalters @ 8:15 PM
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