24 Summary

At CTU Miles, Frau Blucher (neighs), Chigster, Jack, and a couple of unknowns are getting the Jerky Boys recording ready for Attorney General Ashcroft to hear. When Chloe plays it, it has more dead air than Ashlee Simpson trying to make an original song to a live audience. Jack yells at Chloe, and Chloe goes into Napoleon Dynamite mode- "It wasn't my flippin fault, GOSH! Idiot! It was that decroded piece of crap, Miles! He used his decoder ring to kill the recording!"

Jack instinctively goes over to Miles, who is packing his bags, not just fudge. DHS Dick is worried, as he sees the Ass Beatin that's walking his way. So, a no-name White Shirt, says halt and Jack gives him the thumb to the chest, felling him like a sock monkey. Jack then yells- "Do you know how many people died getting this recording?! DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'VE DONE? Wanna guess how far I shove that guard's baton up your ass?" DHS Dick, still kicking Truffle Shuffle's fly covered corpse, retorts, "Ooo, how far? Wait, I don't care! I'm working as the new White House Intern at Brokedick Mountain so there!" Frau Blucher comes over and slaps DHS Dick, like the bitch that he is. He cries and shuffles off.

Frau Blucher and Chiggy get a call from Limpdick Nixon, who says, hand me my sacrificial lamb, I mean let Jack Bauer go. Blucher (neigh) thinks it's a trap and Jack is still wondering about the recording. So, he instinctively remembers, Roboslug and goes to beat a confession out of him. However, Frau Blucher gets a second phone call that Ivan The Terrible has escaped, again. One nameless agent, shot in the shoulder, calls it in and says, "Listen, I'm very badly hurt, some please send me an ambul...." as he's disconnected.

At the Fuhrerbunker, Mary Todd is about to take her whole bottle of meds with a large bottle of Stoli, then remembers if she dies President Limpdick will get more sympathy. She tosses the pills, cranks up Free Bird and yells, "FORREST!!!!!" We hear an echo, "Jenny!" So Mary Todd gives Red's cell phone to an agent to get it back to him. Agent No-name nods and gots to a back room, where Red is tied up. Limpdick comes in, to talk to him, and Red spits on his tie. Limp now has agent Jackoff get a car, shovel, and quicklime. Red is now marked for death, because Agent Tattletail says Red is more loyal to Palmer than the good Ole USA. 'No one ever calls me Charles, and gets away with it!' Limpdick thinks. He gets a call from Dr. Evil and Mini Me who ask on an update. Limpdick then says he's got Red taken care of. Or so he thinks.....

Jack Bauer is back at CTU, and is told to give Roboslug a deal. Torture didn't work, ask Tony and agent No-name and his sodium pentathol. Jack gives slug a deal and tells him to disappear, only after Logan is sent to Oz. However, Slug brings up a good point that Charles Logan is no mastermind, how did he think this up? He claimed to invent the internet, the freak. He couldn't spell Internet. Jack agrees with an Oooooo, low blow. Slug says, it's a Mastermind, cue to Dr Evil and Mini Me and their matching cats, laughing maniacally.

Jack, Token and Slug go to talk to an Arms Dealer, Born in East LA. So they act like they're sending Slug to help Cheech with an arms deal. Before going Audrey protests, "they hurt my daddy! He made me bleed! You're NOT gonna let him go!" 'Yes I will, I have to.' "Fine, then you can never see these again," as Audrey points to her chest. Jack gives him the angry look for risking of nookie loss, and kicks Slug into a CTU van. They go to Cheech's and Cheech offers Slug a roach and he declines.

Now, Ivan The Terrible is driving to an area, with a final jug of the Texmex Gas. He bought it from Cheech and is ready for one last hurrah of terrorism.

Back at CTU Chigster and Frau Blucher (neighs), and Chloe are working to get into Cheech's files, but Chloe finds a fantastic firewall from hell, and says it must be let down, by Cheech himself, otherwise it's a worm that will get THEIR computers, not Cheech's. Chigs and Frau just nod in confusion and tell Jack the news.

Jack is ontop a roof, with his Man Purse, and lots of ammo.

Back at Brokedick Mountain, Agent Tattletail pulls a Lincoln to a door, and precedes to haul Red out, kicking him in the back of his knees. Before he can cap Red, he notices Mary Todd taking a puff. He's about to shoot her, when Red sees Tattle about to shoot his woman. Red goes off and beats him, but is pistolwhipped. Just before Tattle can clip Red, Mary Todd goes Annie Oakley on his ass, shooting him ala Sonny Corleone.

Back at Cheech's East LA area, Slug starts telling Cheech to delete stuff, gives up CTU and then Jack, Token and the other Redshirts run in, shooting. They wound Cheech, and kick his joint away which is worse than death. Token's been shot, but he's not crying or hurt, he's just pissed. Jack preceeds to tear Slug a new one, when Slug says, firewall is down, hack now or lose it forever!

CTU gets info, and they find out The Red October is docked in LA Harbor. Not at a naval yard, but at the Plothole Port Authority Area. Ivan knows this and preceeds to use the last Texmex gas can and take over the sub, kicking tons of dead bodies out. The sub has non-nuclear missiles, but they are powerful enough to take out Downtown LA with one missile, not to mention other areas. Why is that sub here, again? Oh yeah, Limpdick made the treaty with Boris Badanov.

What happens next week?

Lots of dead bodies,
big blasts,
Jack shooting Logan or slapping him on TV,
Audrey confessing her feelings for Jack.
DHS Dick rooming with Adebisi.

Who knows.....