Not So Young But Angry Conservatives Unite

Getting sick of the progressively worse slant and obvious bias of the media? Got booted out of other sites for offending too many liberals? Make this your home. If you SPAM here, you're gone. Trolling? Gone. Insult other posters I agree with. Gone. Get the pic. Private sanctum, private rules. No Fairness Doctrine and PC wussiness tolerated here..... ECCLESIASTES 10:2- The heart of the wise inclines to the right, but the heart of a fool to the left.

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

24 Season Finale: DOH!

Well, well, as you could deduce. Jack Bauer saved the day. He killed Ivan The Terrible and his Russkies before they could have The Red October fire its missiles. Jack snapped Ivan's neck in a cool fashion, reminiscient of Season 2. Jack is left with Henderson, who had helped Jack stop the missiles, but Roboslug had second thoughts and tries to kill Jack. Jack looks at Roboslug, who fired an empty pistol, and yells, "Hello, my name is Indigo Montoya, you kill my father, prepare to die! Hello, my name is Indigo Montoya, you kill my father, prepare to die!" Jack shoots Roboslug, and he gasps. Jack kicks him into LA Harbor and the Navy and other nameless feds arrive. Oddly enough, none of them get killed in Redshirt fashion.

Back at CTU, Chigster and Frau Blucher are talking to Jack, and try to disuade him from going after Logan. Logan uses his callnotes and talks to Chloe and sets up a scheme to nail Logan. Get him to talk, and make sure someone is recording it. Chloe agrees, unbeknowest to Chiggy and Frau Blucher (neighs).

At Brokedick Mountain, President Limpdick and Dick Cheney Clone are happy that the Russians and Henderson are deadski. However, Limpdick is still acting odd and has Cheney leave the room as he gets another call. Cheney looks at him, muttering- Geesh, can't those 1-900 chicks just wait? Isn't this why you have a wife? Perv. So LD is on the phone with Dr. Evil and Mini Me, and Evil tells him to make sure Jack Frickin Bauer is dead. Limpdick agrees, and then dials 1-900-BANGINSHEEP.

Out in the Parking Lot for the Retreat, Red is sitting by the Lincoln with agent Tattletale's flie collecting body. Mary Todd is patting his bald head, and now amazingly healed and bloodless Pierce is happy. Cheney comes out and demands to know why Aaron is sitting by a Soprano victim. Red says, That Badass Woman, Foxy shot his ass. Cheney nods, and they all talk on how to get Logan to admit to treason.

Jack is on the road and he calls Cheney and Red. They agree to help, as he interrupts them burying Tattletale out in the weeds. Jack is 20 minutes from the retreat. How the hell is he 20 minutes from anywhere? It's LA! Spread out roads, construction, martial law, cops.... How does Jack miss all of that stuff?


Red meets Jack and he and Jack head to a shed where the Secret Service get their guns, vests, and initiate new agents with a game of pink belly. Jack is advised that Limpdick will fly in a Navy Chopper, not Marine One, due to security concerns. Limpdick is flying back to DC, accompanying David Palmer's body for a national funeral.

Jack needs Limp to be delayed. Martha has an idea. She distracts Limpdick by pulling a Dixie Chicks, taking back an insult in a false tone. Martha then starts to get frisky. Limpdick gets a call and is reminded, "Uh, sir, your chopper leaves in 5 minutes." "Hey, I'm the President, I'll take my damned time! Frickin Cialis, work faster! Work, damn you! Or no more magazine time!" "Sir, you didn't hang up properly." "Shut up!" So Logan and Martha get it on, as Marvin Gaye and Barry White Music blast in the President's Bedroom. Modifications that Clinton suggested.

Back at CTU, Chloe is helping Jack and has to enlist her ex husband, who looks way to much like Bob Hoskins. He's a smartass, but he helps, only after hitting on Scary Shari The Sexual Harrassment chick.

Jack has an agent call the Navy copilot and summons him into the room. The pilot picks up a phone. "Hello?" "Hey, dude, your fly's open!" Jack shouts. "Really?" Jack gets him in a sleeper hold and the pilot goes night night. Red moves this guy into a lock, and Jack takes his gear and gets into Limpdick's chopper. They take off and things get interesting.

Jack tazes the agents, yells at the pilot, "Hey, fly on this path! And if you ask me if I like gladiator movies, I will beat your ass like that airline pilot!" So, Jack, cuffs Limpdick and they land at a conveniently vacated factory. At the factory, Bob Hoskins meets Jack and hands him some digital stuff and devices so Chloe can tape the confession. Bob leaves. Jack searches Limp, takes out his pen, keys, condom, etc..... Jack interrogates Limpdick, who tapdances around everything. Jack is about to cap Limp, but remembers this is The President and cannot break his oath. Jack lowers the gun and is jumped by a SWAT Team (SWAT music plays loud).

Back at CTU, Chloe is trying to get Jack to make Limp confess, it doesn't happen.

However, at an airfield, Limp lands on his helo, with the deshevelled and tazed agents. He steps out, looking confident. MArtha is still revolted at giving nookie to Limp, and is shuddering at the thought of what she did, after finding out Jack did not get Limp to confess. So, Martha, pulls a Dixie Chicks and gets to insulting again. Limp takes her into a cleared hanger, slaps her, and more or less spills the beans to her. She relents and they walk back out, clothes back to normal to see off Palmer's casket.

On the podium, Limp is giving a speach, as Chloe gets a recording of the confession to Martha, and sends it to Alberto Gonzales. He has Sam Gerard the US Marshal, tap Secret Service on the shoulder and order Limp arrested, after the speech. They wait til he's done and subtley take him off the podium and he's ushered towards a limo. Limp is defiant, until an agent takes a pen out and takes out a device. Limp now remembers Jack searched him. Dammit, he planted a bug on me! Limp is taken away, and Martha and Cheney are smiling. And we know Red is grinning somewhere away from LA.

Jack is still at the factory. And CTU sends Audrey there. She arrives, hugs Jack, and tells him Limp is now arrested and will step down as President. Jack is told, by an Asian FBI guy, "You've got a phone call. It's your daughter sir." Jack takes it, after petting Audrey and giving her a hug. Jack goes into a dark and cleared room, and answers, "Hello?" Jack is then jumped by Ninjas who beat him unconscious and haul him to a Chinese dry cleaners. Audrey is waiting on Jack, as he recalls, "Frickin Irony! I got a pilot this way, and now I get the same thing done to me! Scheisse!"

Back at CTU, Blucher and Chigs are making googoo eyes and Chigs asks her to dinner. You hear Marvin Gaye playing in the background and they walk off. Before Chigs is gone, he hands Chloe a picture of her and Edgar. Chloe about cries. Bob Hoskins walks over and asks, "Hey, who is that guy? Friend of yours?" 'Yeah, that was Truffle shuffle, he died today.' "I'm sorry, wanna go do some shagging to console your grief?" 'Yeaaaah, baby.' And they walk off. But no one is asking, WHERE THE HELL DID JACK GO?

Somewhere, Jack is being beat by the Ninja squad, and we see the Chinese SIS guy from last year gloat over finding Jack. He reminds Jack, "Hehe, we caught you. Thought you'd cause us to shoot our own consul for hiding a terrorist and think we'd just let you off! Remember this old Chinese Proverb by Elel Koo Jae.- Mama said knock you out, I'm gonna knock you out. Jack spits up blood, and says- "Go ahead, kill me you pussy! My daughter won't talk me and is off with Doctor Phil. My girlfriend thinks I up and left again! Her dad is pissed about the car and cliff thing! My friends are gone! Go ahead, do your worst!" Chow Yun Fat, the SIS guy then says, "You're more valuable to us, whitey! No you'll serve us rice and spare ribs! And it's not flied lice! We've seen that Mel Gibson movie! Frickin American! You won't get out, ever!" Jack then gives a glance that says this.....

Next season, I'm getting out of China, I'm gonna go Bruce Lee and Jet Li on all your asses, and somehow stop another major attack on my country! Take that Chuck Norris, you pussy! Missing In Action can lick my left one! I'll get out in a worse manner!

But Jack has to rest, and the boat his on, is awfully slow on it's way to China.

We haven't heard the last of Jack Bauer......

To be continued, January 2007.


Post a Comment

<< Home