Christmas Rant

OK, you liberal fuzzballs. I've frickin had it. You wanna celebrate Christmas, you better know what the meaning of Christmas is. It's not happy gift giving season, since that can be any frickin time of the year! It's not lit and obnoxious decorations season! It's not even, eat til you shoot your blood pressure up season! NO! It's Christmas. CHRIST-MAS. And yes, we know Christ's birth was not on December 25, but it's commemorated. Just like the 4th of July celebrates the signing on the 3rd of July. Kind of how Easter skips year to year, thank you Jewish and Gregorian calendar infighting! I'm not here to talk about all the crap that got tacked onto Christmas! Not trees, not reindeer, not Cousin Eddie and his chemical toilet! Christmas, and why it's under attack!

OK, first reason why Christmas is under attack. It's a Christian Holiday. Oh my Lord, it is a Christian Day! Ugh! Nooooooo. Considering about 75-80% of the US is Christian or identifies itself as Christian, you ought to be happy we aren't tackin on the Catholic days all the time! Prepare for Fishstick Friday if you know what's good for you. After all, Bush has made the US a theocracy you say( unlike the paradise theocrats in Iran and Saudi Arabia who stone women for being raped and cut hands off for theft.) Christians happen to be the majority here. And let's be honest, Christians, despite the bogeyman crap you guys say, are more tolerant of other faiths than the godless and overeducated soulless plutocrats out there.

Celebrating anything Christian must irk some of you. Fine, it's your right. Just stop taking our rights away. Don't screw up hundreds of years of holiday tradition, just because you found out Santa was fake or God didn't give you everything you thought you deserved. Read the Bible, tell me what God says we deserve, and why he didn't give it to you! Trust me, you don't want what God should do to you! Grace be to God? Dang right. Grace is when God gives you what you don't deserve, while holding back what you really deserve to have happen. Think about that one.

Also, Christmas is a day of giving, and remembrance, of a God who came for ALL MANKIND to have the opportunity to seek and dwell with God. Not just whites, not just blacks, but everyone. However, some of you squandered that opportunity and are now wanting NO ONE to get the opportunity of knowing God. Apparently, if it didn't work for you, it shouldn't work for anyone. Well, too bad, God's bigger than you, you ACLUseless morons!

And when did Christmas become a bad word? I remember saying Jesus Christ was fine, til cable made Christ have a few choice middle names. Thanks for nothing, George Carlin. It became a bad word, since many new up and coming so-called leaders, were raised that Christians are bad, the Bible is evil, and ambiguity and lukewarm stances are better. Surely you're not serving Rudolph, Frosty and Santa with liberal lawsuit summons for abridging some turd's right to see everyone else as miserable as they are? You're banning Christmas Carols, you frickin dolt! Lighten up! It's music, and it's good music. Oh Holy Night! Oh Little Town of Bethlehem! That's right, Bing Crosby, Nat King Cole, and every other singer is out to get you this Christmas! They're forcing you to hear carols and God Talk. Solution: Turn off the radio, or just leave the country.

And one thing that irks me, is shopping. Shopping is heeeeeeelllllll! You get up early to go kick someone's butt at Wal-Mart to get some marked down 5th rate TV. Or you wait in line to buy cheap crap, only to buy more crap a year later! Why? You're all crazy. For those of you who do the 5 AM shopping willingly, get your head examined. Those who get tugged along, take your nuts out of the wife's purse and say NO! I wanna sleep off my turkey, dangit! And those who have no choice, God Help you. Welcome to money bleeding, and welcome to long lines and Gladiator Shopping rushes.

Travel is also a crapfest! If the weather isn't screwing your flight or train, then gas prices made driving less of a prospect. And everything is hosed, thanks to that. But, let's not forget to thank our Muslim Buddies and September 11. Thanks for the long lines, and random bag checks, Habib! Frickin punks. And searching blue hairs and the elderly, do they look like the 19 hijackers? What Die Hard movie had a brigade of elderly terrorists, I ask you? Ever heard of hijacking a plane at needlepoint? That's right, Granny's gone militant! Uuuuughhhhhh.

I'm dogging on travel, shopping, and stupid suits to make a point.

Don't even start me on family and fights after spiked eggnog! Another time, another story for my lawyer to advise me to revise and word carefully. Let's just say you do Christmas with the extended family, it's either the rich snobs from The Ref (funny Denis Leary movie) or it's Cousin Eddie emptying his chemical toilet into your sewer! (Merry Christmas! Sh-tter's full!) I like Christmas Vacation, SHOOT ME! Yes, while we love our family, there's the family that makes Peter Griffin's clan look normal! Count your blessings with immediate family, the extended family has more skeletons in it's closet than Ted Kennedy and all of his sunken cars! And speaking of useless drunks, we all have the relative who gets trashed and just about ruins Christmas. Then he falls down and hits his junk against something, and even granny gets a good laugh. Yes, we all have dysfunctional relatives, sometimes, they're worth a frickin laugh or two!

OK, Christmas, is more than families, food, presents, suits, and other stuff. It's Christ's birth, so let's keep it in perspective.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah........