CHRISTMAS RANT 2

OK, you know what grinds my gears. The nitpickers and sh-tkickers who tear apart Christmas. This includes, the misers, the Christmas haters, the morons who want all holidays banned because their lives suck and they wanna see everyone else as miserable as they are, get the picture????

First, we know that December 25, is not the real day Christmas was celebrated. We know when Joseph and Mary went to Bethlehem for the census, it was tax time, and it was the pre-modern time of filing before the 15th. At the time, Mary was with child. And between the Jewish, Roman, and Gregorian calendars, we can only guess that the real date was in the spring. You date and fact types, you're smart, you're tops in your fantasy world. We get it. Now, shut the f-ck up, OK?

Second, getting cynical doesn't make the holidays good for anyone. For those of you complaining that Christmas is too commercialized and that the stores push an agenda, don't shop. Don't go outside your little cave and just sit and plot like the Unibomber. Make sure, when you try explosives, to blow yourself up and rid the world of your poison. You wanna avoid Christmas, it's easy. Move to Cuba or Iran.

Third, to those of you who enjoy tearing into the Virgin Birth, let me say this. Sometimes, there's crap you cannot understand and never will, despite your multiple degrees, your pompous attitude, and your condescending stance. Take a nice cup of Shut The Hell Up. There is a reason some crap is left unexplained, why you're not God (and boy are we thankful for that), and why you and Andy Richter do not Control The Universe. You believe in nothing, you stand for nothing, and when you die, you're gonna spend an eternity with nothing. No God, no grace, nyet. Keep up your crap, but don't you dare tear anyone else down.

Fourth, those of you who say Christmas music hearts your ears and you never want to hear Happy Holidays let alone Merry Christmas, STFU. Just STFU for good, to all haters of the holidays. Your Christmas probably sucked because you pissed off Santa. You were a greedy little f-ball, and even the Virgin Mary was ready to pistol whip you and set your d(bleep)k on fire! We may be wishing you a Merry Christmas, but boy do we wanna see Rudolph and the reindeer take a dump on you and your new car, Mr. Late drinking, ponytail sporting, philosophizing, overanalytical, sneering, cynical, Seinfeld on crack, wannabe.

Fifth, WTF are Holiday Trees? We had Christmas trees when I was a kid, and for years and years before that! Which holiday are the spruces pines for? Which birth are those trees used for? Hmmmmm. And why oh why did Martin Luther and the German Christians use that pagan tree and use it for Christianity? Because, IT WAS FRICKIN CHRISTMAS! Christmas! CHRIST-MAS, Christmas! I mean what are the other Holiday Trees? The Hanukah shrub? Kwanza Bonsai? Ramadan tree stump tied to a claymore? What?

OK, rants over for now.

Enjoy!