If Rudy and Hillary Debated

2008 and Hillary Clinton is running against Rudy Guiliani for President.

(the two are facing off in their last debate, in New York City, near Little Italy)

Moderator: Now, Mr. Guiliani, Senator Clinton. The current question is this. If there were a terrorist attack, what would you do to prevent another attack, and what could be done in rebuilding?

GUILIANI: Thank you, sir. Well, first, if God Forbid another terrorist incident occurred. We would rebuild of course. Scour the scene for all evidence, but then rebuild. We rebuilt the Freedom Tower over where Ground Zero and before the the World Trade Center was. As they said in World War Two, we did it before and we can do it again. Now, protecting America, that's trickier. America is a diverse land, a GREAT LAND, but we know difficult times call for difficult measures. I would institute searches on suspects that meet the criteria of the attackers and past terrorists. We would start on expired and then false VISAs. Arrest, detain, and then charge the terrorists. They would appear in court, but not the regular courts. We will not suspend civil rights to Americans, BUT we will be more stringent on terrorists and saboteurs like this. America will be secure, due to the vigilance of our military and law enforcement. However, they will have better info due to subsidies in intelligence and covert ops. Details cannot be given all the time, but lets just say moles come into play. We will hear the rumblings of an attack, before the ground moves over there, and we will stop it dead in its tracks. If any country, regime, or party is supporting attacks and aids in them, we shall respond. Like Afghanistan, Iraq, and other lands, the tyrants will suffer humiliation and defeat, while their people are freed. The Bush Doctrine will continue under my watch, as will the Patriot Act. As a former prosecutor, I know what warrants and surveillance entails, and also know special cases need rush treatment. Political dissent will not be tapped. Not that the opponents of the US are too stealth in their loathing for us or President Bush, but we will not crush dissent. What we will stop is activity that crosses the line into life threatening activities, destabilization of our law and order, and murder of our civilians and law enforcement. Terrorism is never to be advocated. If you attempt it or plan it, you will face prison or worse.

(resounding applause)

Moderator: Your time is up, thank you Mayor Guiliani. Senator Clinton.

Senator Clinton: What my opponent has said may make sense on paper, but his draconian security will take us back to McCarthyism, and probably back to Nazism. Mr. Guiliani would favor profiling, as his police department had unprecedented complaints for ill treatment of anyone non white or Italian or Christian. Guiliani would turn us into Fascist Italy or the Mafia due to his heredita..... past affiliations and tactics. I believe we can be diplomatic and reason with these terrorists. If Guiliani is President, expect Benito's Black Shirts to come back. Not wearing swastikas or fasces symbols, rather the Eagle and Stars and Stripes. This man, this former mayor, this failed Senatorial Candidate, would lead us to the dark days. I lead us to enlightenment. I argue what police treatment you do to a few Middle Easterners we should do to all. Let us be fair. Let us be Americans. But lets us not be Guiliani mafiaso types. Thank you.

(light applause, Rudy is pissed, cracking knuckles, wiping glasses, then huffs real quick)

Moderator: Mr. Guiliani (gulp) your response.

RUDY: Bafungula, a finocia! Clinton prefers not to address security concerns, she prefers to insult my heritage. Equate me to Mussolini and the mafia. Now, Hillbilly, oops sorry, Hillary, that will not get security done! That will not prevent another attack on the United States! And your negotiation was tried before in history! Neville Chamberlain tried negotiation and placating Hitler, that lead to World War II, over 60 Million Dead and the Holocaust of 6 Million Jews! It failed then! The Oslo Accord your husband signed with Arafat and coaxed Israel into, resulted in an intafada, and dare I say 9/11. The Hamas thugs want to extend the Holocaust. Not on my watch! Yours and the appeasers' tactics failed before, they will fail again, and we cannot afford that! What we need and must do is trade our Chamberlains in for Churchills! We need guts not gravatas. We need force, not flimsy rhetoric and backpeddling! We need a leader, not a weak puppet nodding like a frickin bobble head doll!

Moderator: Mr. Guiliani, your time is.....

RUDY: (curses loudly in Italian) Shut your mouth and let me finish, you little Jersey punk! What we need is a leader, someone who practices devotion to America and does not scamper off when threatened by an enemy!

HILLARY: Yeah, devoted like you were to Donna Hanover and your first wife. Still get the kids on weekends, Rudy? And yeah, that Haitian your goon squad cops beat was such a threat!

RUDY: Devotion? Awww, you brought up Donna and Judy, awwww. First and foremost I'm not getting lectures from a window dressing wife whose husband stuffed his interns like turkeys! I am not getting told on family values by someone who lets hubby screw around. I was a cad, but I had the decency to step away and start life again. You, you Hillary Rodham Clinton, used your marriage and used your husband's infidelity to propel you into the Senate Seat. FYI, I didn't fail my campaign. I had a prostate cancer, problems with my balls. Two things which your husband DID NOT have in dealing with terrorists! Had I stayed in, you'd be watching me debate someone else! So, kiss my (bleep)ss!

HILLARY: Well, ahem, you did not say why profiling was justified, you're a fascist.....

RUDY: One more Italian joke and I will kick you square in the teeth.

HILLARY: You wouldn't strike a woman.

RUDY: Hil, you are not a woman. You're a dainty man. And I say bring it on.

(Hillary charges Rudy, punch is thrown and TV signal goes out)