24 Update, man is The Emperor Pissed....

In this week’s episode, we start out by learning, once again, that Fayed the terrorist is nothing but a helpless innocent Muslim who can do nothing without the help of the REAL mastermind, Gredenko the Evil White Russian Supremacist (because Muslims never committed any acts of terrorism in the entire history of the world, of course), that Gredenko himself is helpless without the assistance of an autistic brother of a security guard, that Nadia the Token Arab Chick Mole is as innocent as the day is long (because Muslims never committed any acts of terrorism in the entire history of the world, of course) and that President Allstate Jr, who was until recently in an induced coma because he’d, at best, end up as a brain-damaged vegetable if he wasn’t kept in it, wakes up like Lazarus at the very last moment to prevent the retaliatory strike against Fayed and Assad’s home country (because Muslims never committed any acts of terrorism in the entire history of the world, of course), none the worse for wear and prepared to take on the world.
I’m done.
Let somebody else do the recaps of this CAIR propaganda piece from now on, because I can’t stand watching that terrorist cock-sucking show anymore.
If they’d at least broadcast it in the original Arabic, then it’d have some novelty value.
As it is, they should tell al-Jazeera to stick to blood libels, because they suck donkey’s dick when it comes to writing TV shows.
The End.
***UPDATE:*** Oh what the Hell… Since tradewind asks so nicely in the comments, here we go. But let me warn you: There is precious little I can do to make last night’s episode sound any more retardedly absurd, even with my considerable talents, so if anything in the following makes you go “no WAY, that’s TOO much artistic license, Emperor”, chances are that I’m just quoting the script verbatim. Yes, it’s THAT ridiculous…
Give us more, O Emperor! »« AIIIEEEE! My EYES!
At the scene where Jack nailed Gredenko’s remote pilot last episode (and made a new high score on the video game he was using), Jack tells the paramedics to keep the pilot alive because he’s “the only link to Gredenko that they have.” Which, of course, causes the pilot to croak on the spot. Note to Joel Surnow: The “he’s the last lead we have” followed immediately by “oops, he snuffed it” plotline has been done to death already. Get OVER it. Of course, so has pretty much every other plot device in this whole season, but we digress…
Jack calls Bill to get an update on the nuclear fallout situation, and is told that VP Neocon, the Evil Bastard, has decided to retaliate with a tactical nuclear strike in the middle of a desert somewhere.
“He’s NUTS! It’ll start WWIII!”, Jack screams.
Sure, Jack. For one thing, that would be WWIV and, for another, we somehow don’t much think that the Chinese and the Russians would be interested in testing their M.A.D. aftermath scenarios over a few roasted camels in a tent in Buttfuckistan.
“But it’ll be seen as an act of aggression against the entire Middle East!”
Forgetting for a moment that the Arab nations aren’t exactly exemplary in their solidarity with their brothers when under attack, we have to say “so what?” What are they going to do? Bleed on us? Oh, you mean terrorism? AS IN WHAT THEY’RE ALREADY FUCKING DOING??? Notice that, by any chance?
At the terrorist hangout, tensions are running high. Yul al-Brynner is pissed off that he didn’t get a nice fireball over San Francisco, crying that “it’s all over thanks to you and your people” and threatens to shoot Gredenko.
“But you need ME to deliver the remaining two bombs”, Gredenko protests.
“WHY?”, a million viewers ask, as they wonder what’s stopping al-Brynner from setting them off himself. He’s already got the triggering device, after all, and even HE ought to be able to find a major city on his own. OK, so he’d have to stop at a gas station for a Rand-McNally, but surely he can figure THAT out without Gredenko’s help?
Of course he can’t. He’s a Muslim, and the REAL mastermind is an evil, conspicuously white Russian fanatic. Because Muslims Never Committed Any Terrorist Attacks On Their Own In The Entire History Of Mankind™ (BMNCATAOTOITEHOM™), of course. There is ALWAYS some wicked white man who is REALLY behind it, don’t you know? Just ask all the Jooos that were evacuated from the WTC before Bush Made It Happen On Purpose™ (MIHOP™).
Realizing that Joel Surnow would never let him set off a nuke (or CAIR would most assuredly sue him), al-Brynner decides to let Gredenko live. Gredenko then calls the NEXT “real man behind the curtain” who, apart from being decidedly non-Muslim of course, happens to be Doogie Howser who now works as a security guard at a nuclear power plant and lives alone with his autistic brother, Rain Man.
We can’t wait to learn about the next “real man behind the curtain.” It’ll probably be a paraplegic Inuit grandmother living in an igloo. No, that would be a minority. OK, how about a Caucausian Republican midget stock broker with Merrill Lynch? Hey, it COULD HAPPEN, you know.
Apparently Doogie, when not watching Judge Wapner with his brother or hanging out at the nuke plant, earns his money as a go-to guy for Russian terrorists. Has his own entry in the Yellow Pages and everything.
The nuclear plant has tightened security, so Gredenko calls Doogie and demands a new set of security codes.
“How long will it take?”, Gredenko asks.
“How much is left of tonight’s episode?”
“About 50 minutes.”
“Well, then I’ll have them in about 40.”
Doogie goes to see about his brother.
“Ray, I don’t suppose you could get me some files from the nuclear plant mainframe?”, he asks.
“Sure. I’m a good hacker. I’m definitely a good hacker”, Rain Man answers and goes to work.
At CTU, Milo the Frat Boy is watching Token Arab Mole Chick (who is obviously not a mole BMNCATAOTOITEHOM™) on the CCTV. Thankfully, the camera doesn’t let us see what he’s doing with his right hand. Bill comes by to give him the good news that she’s going to be transferred to GITMO as an enemy combatant WHERE SHE WILL BE HELD INDEFINITELY WITHOUT ACCESS TO LAWYERS OR DUE PROCESS OF LAW! BUSH=HITLER! HALLIBURTON!
Or something like that. We’re beyond giving a damn.
After Bill is done with that nice bit of exposition, designed to make the audience even more indignant on behalf of Token Arab Mole Chick when it, inevitably, turns out that she’s as pure as the driven snow (BMNCATAOTOITEHOM™), Chloe interrupts to tell Bill that they’ve found another lead on Gredenko. More specifically, it turns out that even CTU aren’t blitheringly incompetent enough to have NOT kept an eye on the traffic from Gredenko’s satellite phone and have traced his last conversation to Doogie Howser’s apartment.
Somewhere in the U.S., the ACLU is getting ready to file suit on behalf of innocent terrorists having their phone conversations listened in on without a warrant. Well, they would, if the terrorist in this case hadn’t been a Caucasian Russian terrorist.
Bill tells Chloe to send the address to Jack.
Meanwhile, at the drone pilot location, a spooky agent who also, it turns out, worked with Little Lord Fauntleroy in Denver (did anybody NOT work with him there?), reveals to Little Lord Fauntleroy that he found a computer chip explaining how the terrorists managed to hack into CTU’s satellite feed. According to Sneaky Spook, the chip, in conjunction with a trojan downloaded by Token Arab Mole Chick while she was browsing terrorist websites, was the only reason they got in. Obviously CTU has never heard about firewalls or browser security, or perhaps they’re just using Internet Explorer. Neither would surprise anybody very much.
Bottom line: Token Arab Mole Chick is, you guessed it, pure as the driven snow (BMNCATAOTOITEHOM™)… Big surprise there.
Agent Sneaky hands the chip to Little Lord Fauntleroy and suggests that he might want to lose the evidence to avoid unpleasantness when somebody finds out that Token Arab Mole Chick is innocent.
“But I was following standard protocol to the letter at the time, not to mention that all the evidence pointed in her direction!”, Little Lord Fauntleroy reasonably points out.
“Yeah”, Agent Sneaky replies, “but actual facts are hardly going to matter to ACLU, CAIR and The New York Times, now is it?”
He DOES have a point. Little Lord Fauntleroy doesn’t look to pleased and pockets the chip.
At the White House Bunker, Karen Pelosi walks into the medical bay to convince Cynthia McAllstate that risking her brother’s life by waking him up from his medically induced coma is the only way that Karen Pelosi can succeed in her personal crusade to vindicate her enormous ego to SAVE THE WORLD AND LITTLE CUTE BUNNIES!
“Before your brother was almost killed, he was trying to reach out to the Peaceful Muslims that Were Never Connected to Terrorism in the Entire History of Mankind, and it was working”, Karen says, blithely ignoring the fact that it wasn’t working at all. Well, unless your standards for something working are a whole lot lower than rational people’s.
Let’s review: No leads on anything, one nuke in Valencia, one disarmed elsewhere and one dirty nuke in San Francisco, not to mention two live ones at large. That and Ambassador Raghead of Buttfuckistan offering nothing but his condolences… Yep, it was working wonderfully, that’s for sure.
But Cynthia McAllstate have inherited the brains of the Allstate family, meaning that her logical faculties are either shut down or on a drunken Spring Break in Aruba, so she buys it hook, line and sinker.
“Sure, let’s wake my brother up from a coma and risk him dying or turning into a vegetable, heck, we don’t even know if he’ll be able to talk if he wakes up, what could possibly be worse than the home country of Assad and al-Brynner being put on notice that they either put up or shut up? Let’s DO it!”
While going over the plan for the tactical strike, VP Neocon is interrupted by his aide, who informs him about Karen Pelosi’s plot. He calls the doctor and tells him to quit being a fucking moron, and the doctor tells him that it’s not his call to make, that Cynthia McAllstate has ordered him to risk the POTUS’s life to prove Karen Pelosi’s point and that’s the end of it. Obviously, putting a patient’s life in immediate danger is a whole lot easier than one would think, even when the patient is the President of the United States.
VP Neocon reminds him that if the President is hurt in any way, he’ll personally nail his ass to the wall, so he might want to go find a nice spot.
At Doogie Howser’s house, Jack and the red shirts have arrived and are preparing to go in, guns blazing. They do so, managing to shoot Doogie, severing an artery, and scare the shit out of Rain Man who holds his head and shouts “Uh oh, guns, uh oh, guns…” while rocking back and forth. Jack tells the team to stabilize Doogie while he goes to have a talk with Rain Man.
Jack does his best Special Ed Teacher impersonation which, if it weren’t so out of character, would be an interesting alternative to his usual “you’re going to tell me what I need to know or I’ll…” routine.
He goes back to tell Doogie that unless he tells him what information he was getting for Gredenko, he’ll have Rain Man locked up in a small cell without a TV to watch Judge Wapner on, and he’ll make personally sure that his maple syrup will be served after the pancakes for the rest of his life. Doogie promptly spills the beans and tells Jack what nuclear power plant he was giving him the codes for. Of course, Jack could’ve just looked that up in Doogie’s files, but hey…
He goes back to Rain Man who is definitely not wearing his underwear. Or maybe he is, who cares? Jack puts on his Special Ed cap again and talks Rain Man into doing the handover of the codes to Gredenko for him. With Doogie Howser’s help (and the promise of a trip to K-Mart), Rain Man agrees to help out. Doogie calls Gredenko and tells him that there’s been a slight change of plan. He’s got the codes, but he has to go to the office to talk to his supervisor so, unless Gredenko wants to wait for him to come back, he’ll have to take delivery from Rain Man.
“Your brother?”, Gredenko asks.
“Yes. Either that or you’re going to have to wait a bit longer for your codes.”
“Alright, but if he insists on driving my car again, I’m going to shoot him on the spot. And no watching People’s Court either. I can’t STAND that friggin’ show! Have him meet me in the parking lot across the street.”
At CTU, Agent Spooky looks up Milo and tells him about the chip and how Little Lord Fauntleroy is hiding the evidence.
Milo rushes off to beat up Little Lord Fauntleroy but is, thankfully for him, stopped before he can get his ass beaten to a whimpering pulp.
“He’s hiding evidence that Nadia’s innocent”, he yells.
“What?”, Bill asks.
“Oh shut up, Milo”, Al Bundy says as he runs to join the fray, “he gave it to me so I could check it out, make sure it was legit.”
“Er, oops”, Milo says, and Little Lord Fauntleroy generously refrains from spitting on his soul patch. Instead he goes to find Agent Spooky and tells him that the gig is up. “Soon, fuckhead, sooon…”, he hisses as he glares menacingly at him. Well, with all the menace that an actor mainly known for his part as Little Lord Fauntleroy can muster anyways. It doesn’t leave much of an impression either.
Bill goes to tell Token Arab Mole Chick the good news, that she’s been absolutely cleared and that she’s free to go. Oh, and would she please go back to work?
Instead of being happy to be proven innocent and impressed with how justice has been served by CTU investigating the matter and fessing up to their mistakes, Token Arab Mole Chick walks off in a huff, pouting like a little girl. Hey, she’s got an enormous windfall coming to her once CAIR gets a hold of her case, so why sabotage it by pretending to be reasonable? Besides, she’s a Muslim, so everybody should have known from the start that she could not POSSIBLY be guilty of anything (BMNCATAOTOITEHOM™).
After Bill has kissed her ass profusely, she relents and decides to stay for the time being. Or perhaps she realized that discovery would be a bitch, considering her felony breach of security protocol by accessing the mainframe using Milo’s login credentials.
As she comes back to her workstation, Milo spots her and decides that it’s time to make his move. Well, other than his standard move of humping her leg every time she’s in the room, that is. Token Arab Mole Chick isn’t exactly in the mood, however, at least until Milo baas like a goat, grabs her forcefully and tells her that he’s going to ride her like a camel while sticking his tongue down her throat well past her tonsils.
Apparently that turns her on, because she somehow refrains from kneeing him in the groin.
At the White House, Cynthia McAllstate and Karen Pelosi are waiting for President Allstate Jr to wake up from his coma and save the world, when the doctor enters the room and tells them that President Allstate Jr’s brain is swelling. As a matter of fact, it has now swollen to the size of a walnut and doctor Kevorkian is suggesting that they re-induce the coma to save his life.
“No”, Cynthia McAllstate says, “I don’t care if it swells to the point where his skull blows up, he has to save the world!”
“But he won’t be much use saving the world if he’s got the intellect of a rutabaga when he wakes up”, the doctor points out.
“Says who? It never kept him from being President in the past!”
At this point, the nurse interrupts the Three Stooges, telling the doc that President Allstate’s vitals are crashing.
Doesn’t look good, does it? Well, in the real world it wouldn’t look good, but we all know what’s not going to happen, don’t we?
Jack and the team are getting ready and Jack briefs Rain Man one more time.
“Ray, I need you to wear one of those”, he says, holding up an ear radio.
“Will it hurt?”
“It will if you don’t put it in there right now, dammit”, everybody watching the show says and breathe a sigh of relief when Rain Man lets Jack put it on him.
“It’ll let you hear me without anybody knowing. Kinda like voices in your head. And it comes with a neat decoder ring too! Just pretend you can’t hear me, because Mr Gredenko can’t know.”
With that and an “OK” from Rain Man, Jack sends him off to the rendezvous across the street. Then he briefs his team.
“OK, guys. Charlie team shoots Gredenko with the tranq dart, Alpha and Bravo teams shoot anything else that moves. And try to get it right this time, will you?”
“Roger that. Alpha and Bravo to shoot Gredenko while Charlie shoots Rain Man with the tranq dart.”
“No, dammit, Charlie on Gredenko with the tranq dart, Alpha and Bravo on everybody else. And NOBODY shoots Rain Man!”
“Unless he moves, got it…”
“NO SHOOTING ON RAIN MAN, FOR FUCK’S SAKES!”
“What if Gredenko moves? Do Alpha and Bravo shoot him then?”
“No, you do NOT shoot Gredenko unless it’s with a tranq dart.”
“Whether he moves or not. Right. Gotcha, sir.”
Gredenko arrives and gets out of the car.
“Do you have it?”, Gredenko asks.
“Yeah. I definitely have it”, Rain Man answers.
“Alright. Give it to me.”
“Uh oh”, Rain Man says.
“What?”
“You have to say ‘please.’ Definitely have to say ‘please’”
“Alright then. Give it to me please.”
While Rain Man hands over the thumb drive and Gredenko starts downloading, Charlie team informs Jack that Rain Man is in the way. He can’t get a clean shot. For some reason, it doesn’t occur to Jack to tell Rain Man to take one step to the left or right, the reason most likely being that it would be too logical. Not to mention that we’d miss seeing the download gauge on Gredenko’s laptop go from 0% to 100%.
While downloading, Gredenko gives the order, in Russian, to shoot Rain Man as soon as he’s done downloading and verifying the codes.
“Can you take a shot?”, Jack asks Charlie team.
“Negative. Rain Man is still in the way like I told you a minute ago.”
“Can you move your position?”
“Are you fucking crazy, sir? Alpha and Bravo would shoot me if I were to move. You just told them, remember?”
“Oh bother”, Jack mumbles, then finally has an epiphany and realizes that perhaps, just perhaps it would be possible to get Rain Man to move a few inches instead.
“Ray, when I say ‘go’, you get down as quickly as possible, OK?”
“Should we shoot him then? Seeing as how he’ll be moving and all?”, Alpha and Bravo ask.
“No, dammit. NOBODY SHOOTS AT THE AUTISTIC KID, COPY???”
“Gotcha, Sir. Nobody is to shoot the kid, whether he moves or not.”
The download finishes and Gredenko gives the order to shoot Rain Man. Jack tells Rain Man to get down, and Charlie team nails Gredenko with a tranq dart while Alpha and Bravo teams start shooting everything that moves. Except for one guy, who is taken out by Jack while running to rescue Rain Man.
“Why didn’t you fucking shoot the bastard?”, he yells.
“He didn’t move”, Alpha and Bravo teams reply in unison.
Jack picks up Rain Man who is cowering on the ground.
“You did great, Ray”, he says, “but what’s that smell?”
“Uh oh, I’m definitely not wearing my underpants”, Rain Man answers, and Jack turns his head and tells his team to take the poor kid to his brother. And ferchrissakes, would somebody give the kid a fresh pair of underwear?
Gredenko is dragged off to be prepped for interrogation.
When he wakes up, Jack enters the room, looking at him menacingly while giving him the usual speech about how he’s going to tell him what he needs to know etc. etc. etc. and does somebody happen to have a hacksaw?
Gredenko isn’t impressed at all, since he’s seen the previous seasons already.
“Cut the crap. Just give me the standard Full Amnesty and Protection Package™ or I’m not telling you anything.”
And we all know that he’s going to get it too. There is no WAY that Jack would just tell him to fuck himself and make him talk anyway by “asking him very nicely” because, as we all know, there is no crime so egregiously horrid that you can’t immediately get a Full Amnesty on 24. Oh, and Torture Never Works!!!!™.
At the White House Bunker, the fireworks are about to commence. Spineless Toad, who has become a perfect clone of Karen Pelosi, is trying to convince the VP that now that they have another useless lead, it’s time to call off everything and rely on CTU and their 1337, M4d 5k11z because that’s worked so well in the past.
The VP is having none of it, however. Obviously he’s seen enough of CTU’s “promising leads” turn to shit in the past (so say we all!) to not be overly confident that this one is going to Save the World™. That, and he probably knows that there are about ten episodes left of the show still.
Not to mention that, whether Gredenko’s capture leads to the unraveling of the plot or not, there’s still the small matter of a dozen thousand casualties in Valencia and the radiation spill in San Francisco, caused by a citizen of Buttfuckistan whose organization has been planning and operating with the tacit approval of the government of said turd world shithole so maybe, just MAYBE it’s time to put them on notice that actions have consequences and that “sincere” condolences plus three bucks won’t get you anything above a cup of coffee at Starbuck’s.
Clearly, he’s insane. At least by the standards of the CAIR writers that FOX has been forced to hire.
Then, just as the sub is about to launch, we learn that they’ve been ordered to stand down. By the President of the United States.
Switching to the medical bay, we learn that a MIRACLE has happened. President Allstate Jr, who just a few minutes ago was struggling for his life, brain swelling rapidly and vital signs crashing all over the place, has awoken and is in full possession of his faculties, looking considerably better than any of us do when we wake up from a full night of restful sleep. Heck, he doesn’t even look groggy. Which is pretty damn impressive, considering that a few minutes ago he was almost dead and higher than a Kennedy behind the wheel.
“I’ve stopped your insane genocidal attack on the camels of our eternal friends in Buttfuckistan”, he tells the VP, “and I’ll be resuming my full Presidential duties immediately. Well, as soon as I get done walking on water and raising the dead, that is.”
I guess we’ll have to call him President Lazarus from now on.
Of course, the VP being the Evil NeoKKKon Racist that he is, isn’t going to give up without a fight (it would make CAIR seriously “disappointed”, after all), so he vows to unseat President Lazarus Allstate, asking for the Attorney General.
And thus endeth the episode.
Did I tell that it was ridiculous or what?